


The Day the Mountain Stood Still

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Bad Fic, Episode Fix-it: s05e21 Meridian, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-25
Updated: 2006-03-25
Packaged: 2019-02-02 00:48:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12716334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: Amber and Reia visit Cheyenne Mountain, accidentally setting off a chain reaction of Pinkness. Oops. (Not us, didn't do it, can't prove anything!)





	The Day the Mountain Stood Still

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

"Well, doc, it all started when we encouraged two guys to make a difference." The woman on the couch stretched out, sighing as she remembered the harrowing events of the previous week. She shook out her coppery hair, letting it cascade over the arm of the couch, and turned slightly towards the doctor to try and get more comfortable, allowing her companion to continue the tale.

"We didn't mean for things to get so ... out of hand," the blonde woman explained, a touch of apology in her voice, and a hint of hidden depths behind the statement. It wasn't usual to conduct dual counseling sessions, but the doctor had decided that in this case, and when being offered this amount of money, it might be to all their benefits.

"But we encouraged Pandora to open the box ... and he made a mess of it," the copper haired woman said, shuddering slightly at the mixed metaphor.

"Painted it pink!" broke in the blonde, with a slight sob.

"Please, ladies," the doctor spoke in the calming, soothing tone he had learned whilst working in a psychiatric hospital. "I understand this is hard for you. Try to tell me as much as you can, starting at the beginning."

"It was Amber's fault really," the copper haired woman said, ignoring her companion's gasps of shock and indignation at the suggestion. "After all, if it'd hadn't been for her BDU fetish, we'd never have been at Cheyenne Mountain in the first place ..."

* * *

"Amber? Amber!" I can hear her calling, but only very distantly, so I ignore her and carry on with what I'm doing. "Amber!!" She sounds a little bit pissed, but, like I said, I'm busy and bowing to the wishes of Her Royal Highness isn't my top priority right now.

I vaguely hear the handle of the door turning, but it's the explosion of bright light that distracts me totally from my task. I blink a few times, pulling away from my companion, and allow my eyes to readjust to the light levels. Reia is standing in the corridor, leaning on the closet door, frowning at me. She's holding on to the door handle with one hand, the other resting on her hip, but I can tell she's only one step away from folding her arms across her chest and chewing me out in that clipped, authoritative tone she likes to use when I do this kind of thing.

Needless to say, I'm not best pleased to see her.

"Reia! Fuck off! Can't you see I'm busy," I protest, pointing to my closet-companion. He looks somewhat stunned by the sudden appearance of this red-haired, fiery-tempered woman, interrupting what would probably have been the highlight of his month, if not his entire year.

She raises an eyebrow. "Oh yes, how terribly rude of me. I'm so sorry." The words drip with sarcasm, and I'd know, even without the benefit of our long acquaintance, that she didn't mean a word of it. "Perhaps you ought to introduce me to your new friend."

I look at him. I'm sure I knew his name at one point. I glance down at the name badge on his BDUs. "Umm, sure, Reia, this is ... Sgt. Wood. Sgt. Wood, this is Reia."

He mutters something along the lines of his name being Mark or Michael or whatever, but it's too quiet for me to hear, and not really important anyway. Reia turns slowly to look at him, her eyes sweeping up and down, before returning to me.

"You," she points at Wood without breaking eye contact with me, "out."

"Yes ma'am," he mutters, automatically responding to the sharpness in her tone and standing ever so slightly to attention, before hunching over and scooting out of the closet as quickly as possible.

Reia continues to glare at me.

After a few moments, I stop looking penitent and glare back. "What?"

She steps aside from the door, and waves her hand to indicate that I should vacate the closet. I do so, and she closes the door behind me, shaking her head. "Sgt. Wood? Honestly, Am, he's not even an officer."

I shrug. "So what? He seemed like a nice guy."

She looks up, a smile breaking through the tough-woman façade. "You are such a slut." I attempt to look offended, but she wouldn't believe me even if I could manage it. "Anything in BDUs ..."

"Or a lab coat," I add. We share a smile, before turning down another corridor, heading, without even needing to consult, to the Mess Hall. "So, tell me," I say, wanting to move the conversation away from my clothing preferences, "why exactly are you here?"

"I was just thinking, you know, this place has been a bit ... dull since Daniel left." I pause for a moment, letting these words impact, as they always do. Daniel ascended a few months ago, and things just haven't been the same since. "I thought maybe we could help. Shake things up a bit? Put some life back into this place."

I shake off my Daniel-related maudlin, and consider Reia's proposition. There's only one word for it, really. "Cool."

* * *

"So," I ask her, as we sit in the Mess drinking luke-warm coffee, facing each other across one of the blue-clothed tables. There are a number of other people here - Marines, nurses, SFs - but none of them take note of two unfamiliar faces in the room. After all, we're not unfamiliar to them. As far as they know, Captain Reia and Captain Amber have been working here for almost two years now, and are no more unfamiliar than Colonel O'Neill or Major Carter. I try to avoid letting my eyes wander around the room to see who's here and who's wearing BDUs and/or a lab coat. "What should we do?"

"I don't know," Reia says, taking a sip of her coffee and looking at me contemplatively. "Kill someone?"

She always wants to kill someone. Weirdo.

"That's a bit drastic, isn't it?" I suggest as gently as possible under the circumstances.

"Not if it's Jonas Quinn," she points out. "We can do it nice and slowly. I have a big sword around here somewhere."

"No, no." I placate her, "that's been done _so_ many times. And what would it really achieve, huh? Daniel's not going to come back, no matter how many times we kill Jonas."

The murderous glint in her eyes wanes a little. "No," she finally admits, "you're probably right." She pauses for a few minutes, looking off into the distance. "If he were to die of natural causes, though, say a nice, undetectable poison ..."

"No." I put my foot down, as much as I ever can with Reia. "No killing Jonas."

She pouts. "Okay then, you think of something to do."

I knew she was going to do that - shifting all the work onto me again. I sigh, and sit back in my chair, wrapping my hands around the polystyrene coffee cup. I look over Reia's head at a picture of some military airplane or other, waiting for inspiration to hit me.

Luckily for me, it doesn't actually hit me. It does, however, walk into the Mess in the form of Major Paul Davis. I'm not immediately sure of the idea. My first thoughts are more in line with dragging said major off to the nearest supply closet. Judging from my failed attempt to do so earlier, however, I guess that he wouldn't really be interested. That's what finally sparks off the idea.

"Hey, Re," I get her attention back from the airman she's been exchanging coy smiles with while my mind has been elsewhere. "Don't you think Major Davis and Daniel would be really cute together?"

Reia blinks at me, scrunching up her brow in confusion. "You what? Major who?"

I raise my eyebrows and nod obviously to the Major currently standing in the food queue, being flirted with by a nurse. "Him, you remember?" She looks blank. "Pentagon guy? Sat behind the computer in the control room while Jack and Teal'c were stuck in that glider, weeping into his lace hanky? Went off to Russia and said 'dammit Daniel'?" She's starting to nod; always a good sign.

"That cute guy in the queue, right?"

I sigh. "Yeah, that guy."

"Whatever, hun," she says, checking out his ass, "I can read his CV later. And yeah, they'd be very cute together, but-and I know you're having a tough time dealing with this-Daniel is gone."

I scowl. "So what? Let's set them up together."

She turns away from the ass, regarding me with surprise. "Come on, Am, you can't be serious. Daniel's gone, and cute guy over there is military. You can't set them up together, that'd be crazy."

"Why the hell not," I demand, keeping my voice as low as I can to avoid attracting attention. "Jack's military and people have been saying that he and Daniel are, you know," I nod my head sideways to indicate 'shagging', "like that for years."

"Doesn't mean they are," she points out, taking a sip of the now cold coffee. "I mean, look at how Jack behaved on Euronda - no lover of mine would ever speak to me like that and live to talk about it."

I refrain from commenting, as it'll only paint me in a bad light. "That's hardly the point, Re. Of course we can set them up." She looks skeptical. "It'd be a challenge, but we could do it." I put on my pleading face. "And, you know, you did want to liven things up a bit."

She smiles, slightly at first, then her wide, evil grin, which I know means she's about to wreak havoc on someone somewhere. "Yeah, I guess it would be a challenge. And it'd sure liven things up. What did you say his name was?"

"Davis," I remind her, "Paul Davis. You talk to him, I'll go find Daniel and bring him back."

We share a conspiratorial grin. "You might be right, Am," she tells me, as I get up to leave. "This could be fun."

* * *

I watch Amber leave on her self-appointed mission, then turn my attentions back to my prey. Tall, slender, but still quite attractive in his own, quiet way. I look with disgust into the dregs of my coffee, then start to form my plan.

It's a simple matter to time my arrival at the coffee station to coincide with his. I dig around inside my psyche and produce what I hope is a warm and friendly smile. It's been a while since I last had to use it, and the muscles are unused to the exercise.

"Paul Davis, right?"

He looks up and almost drops his tray. Damn, okay, ditch the smile. "Ahh, hello Captain..."

"Please," I say, with a wave of my hand. "Just Reia."

"What can I do for you?"

I put one hand on his shoulder, and try not to look too surprised at what I find there. Hmm, not bad, not bad at all. There might be more to Paul Davis than a quick wit and a class A uniform. "Join me?"

I ignore the looks we receive as I all but tow Davis to the table in the corner. Why didn't Amber wait around and do this? Davis would have been safe with her - after all, there are witnesses and he isn't wearing BDUs or a lab coat.

"What can I help you with, Captain?"

He doesn't trust me, I realize in a flash. I give him a real smile. The boy has just gone up several notches in my estimation. "Actually," I lean in closer and lower my voice to the merest whisper. He's intrigued, but playing cool. "It's to do with something on base here, Major. Well, more importantly, you."

He puts aside his coffee cup and I know I have his complete attention. "Go on."

"You're gay."

"You can't ask that." His face is a blank mask.

"I'm not asking, darl, I'm saying." Despite myself, I find I'm actually having fun. "You're as gay as a row of pink tents."

He sits there in stony silence. I let him think through his options as I try to swallow the crud they claim is coffee down here. "How did you find out?"

"Did my friend Captain Amber come and see you?"

"Amber...we spoke in the corridor this morning."

I grin. "And you didn't end up in the nearest supply closet with her? Trust me hon, that means you're either gay or dead, and I don't think corpses have such even tans."

A pause. "Are you planning to blackmail me?"

I laugh so loudly I draw the attention of the marines three tables over. "Hell, no. I want you to meet someone." The poor boy looks so dazed I just walk around the table, haul him to his feet and all but march him out of the room. I just have to hope that Amber is holding up her end of the deal.

* * *

Hoping that Reia is handling Paul okay, I unlock one of my favorite storerooms and slip inside. I smile as a bright light comes to a hovering stop just above my head. You can find almost anything in these storerooms, and if you just spend enough time in them, you learn where to look.

"Daniel Jackson, I presume?"

The light bobs once, up and down.

I smile again, and unscrew the lid of a small thermos I'm holding. The fine smell of good coffee wafts up into the light ball. I swear I can almost hear the sigh of pleasure.

I grin and wave the thermos around so that more of the delicious scent floats into the air. This is going to be easy.

* * *

"Where are we going, Captain?"

I smile at the nervy Major and watch the panic play across his face. "Relax, Paul. You're going to like this surprise."

He looks like he's about to balk again. Sighing, I grab his arm and tow him down the gray corridors. This had better be worth the effort.

Finally, I find the right door. Knocking, I ignore Paul's questions. I can smell coffee, good coffee. If this doesn't work, at least I can look forward to a decent caffeine fix.

"Who is it?" Amber's singsong voice rings out from the other side of the door.

"Its us, you daft bitch! Now open up!"

There are muted mumbles and grumbles, then the snick of a door opening. I look over Amber's shoulder. "Oh, he's in BDU's. No wonder it took you so long."

Amber reaches over and pulls me inside. "Get in here already," she snaps. Her entire demeanor changes when she sees the Major though, throwing her into instant flirt mode. "Hi Paul."

I snort. Gay as a parade, and she still has to try. "I see you succeeded. Hi Daniel, how's descention treating you?"

Daniel just looks up, wide-eyed and caffeine-buzzed from drinking the whole thermos. I sigh and find a crate of paperclips to sit on. It's going to be a long morning.

* * *

I bat my eyes at Paul for a bit, but get no more response than some blank staring and a single raised eyebrow, so I accept my initial judgment of his sexual orientation as having been correct and give up. At least Daniel appreciates me, even if it was only because I brought him coffee.

I turn back to Daniel, moving further into the closet to allow Paul to enter too, closing the door behind him. Well, he certainly has good manners. I move to sit opposite Reia, on a box of file paper, and consider my next move. I don't get long to think.

Daniel has, by now, finished the entire thermos of coffee and, infused with caffeine, is starting to peer around the closet, squinting without his glasses, and probably wondering what on earth is going on.

"Umm, I don't suppose anyone could tell me what exactly is happening here," he asks after a few seconds, peering down at me and raising his eyebrows in expectation.

"Well, Daniel," I pause for a moment, not quite sure how to put it all so that it makes some kind of sense. I give up in the end - it's not going to make much sense to them, however I frame it. "It's like this. You're gay."

The eyebrows, which were at a kind of eyebrow half-mast position on his forehead now leap up to somewhere in his hairline. "I ... you ... what?"

I pat his arm gently. I know this is probably a bit of a shock for him, poor boy. "You're gay," I tell him again, slowly and patiently, dipping my head in a submissive 'honest' pose. "I realize it's probably a bit of a shock. You've been denying for a while."

"Deny ... what ... who are you people, anyway?" he asks, reaching up to push his glasses up his nose, before remembering that he's not wearing them at the moment. He squints down angrily at me, before turning to glare at Reia, and finally at Paul. The glare instantly subsides into a look of mild bewilderment. "Major Davis?"

Paul shrugs, "Don't look at me, Dr. Jackson, I have no more idea what's going on here than you do."

I wait for the magic to start - the 'our eyes met across a crowded room ... well, okay, a crowded closet' moment, but it doesn't come. Daniel nods and turns his attentions back to me. "Uhh, pardon me for saying, but don't you think if I were gay - and there's nothing wrong with being gay, by the way, I'm just not - don't you think I would've noticed?"

I shake my head, looking down at the ground. Denial. It ain't just a river in Egypt.

"You're in denial, Daniel. You just don't want to admit the truth."

"Okay, so what about my wife. Sha're? Remember her?" The snarky Daniel we all know and love makes his first appearance for the day. "The woman I left the _planet_ for, the woman I spent three years searching for? And Sarah, my ex- _girl_ friend? You know about her, I presume, as you seem to know _so_ much about me already. And what about Ke'ra, from Vyas? Okay, so she was The Destroyer of Worlds, but we didn't just sit in her room all night holding hands and talking about puppies and kittens!" He's getting a bit flustered by this point, which Reia finds intensely amusing.

I sigh. He really is in deep denial. "Daniel," I stand up, and reach out to take his hand. He's too stunned to pull away, I think. "Daniel, I know it's difficult for you to accept, but come on! Sha're, well, she was like a sister. You didn't really love her _that_ way," he gasps in shock, and begins to refute this claim, but I keep going, "and Sarah, well, who knows. Maybe she was your last girlfriend before you realized the truth. Maybe she was your _only_ girlfriend. Or maybe, and you never know these days, she was a post-op transsexual, and used to be Simon or Scott." He can't even bring himself to speak, he's so shocked by all this. Reia, however, throws in her two penneth.

"Yeah, that would kinda make sense," she says, nodding sagely. I think the bitch is trying not to laugh. I'd like to see her explain all this.

"I ... you ... how can ..." he attempts to articulate, waving his hands around a little wildly. I step back out of harms way, and turn to look at Paul. He's leaning back against the door, with his arms crossed over his chest.

"You know, I think maybe we should be reporting this to the General," he says, in his very best school prefect voice.

Reia stands up and glares at him. "Row of pink tents, baby," she reminds him.

"Do you have any proof?" he retorts, glaring back just as strongly.

Reia bristles visibly, knowing that he has a point. She might, before we spoke to Daniel, have been able to convince the General that Paul had told her he was gay, but with Daniel's corroborating evidence of our accusing him too, and him being, as far as they all know, completely straight, it's not really anything we can hold over him.

"Dr Jackson, you first," he indicates to the door, reaching down to the handle so he can hold it open for the recently de-ascended member of SG1. Manners, see? That's what Daniel needs.

I look over at Reia and pout. Great, now they're going to rat us out to the General and we'll have to leave. No more BDUs, no more lab coats. It's just not fair.

But Reia has a plan. She's got _that_ look on her face; I know it all too well. I crane my neck slightly, trying to get a better view of what it is she's doing as she reaches into her pocket and pulls something out. Her fist is clenched, and for a minute I think she's going to hit Paul or Daniel or maybe me. But instead she turns her hand over, opening out her fingers, and blows on her palm, releasing a pile of pink-tinted dust into the air over the two men.

They both blink and wince slightly as the dust falls over them, settling on their hair, faces, shoulders and clothes. They also breathe some in.

I gasp, careful to avoid breathing in any of the dust myself. I know the power of that stuff. "Reia!" I exclaim, never taking my eyes from the pink-tinted pair in front of me. "Reia, you can't!"

"Too late, sweetie, I already have," she says, without a lick of remorse. Muse Dust. The most powerful drug known to fic-writer-kind. Used only under _extreme_ conditions, when muses are absolutely refusing to cooperate on stories you've promised your best friend for her birthday or your zine editor for her deadline. It temporarily renders the muses open to the control of the writer, allowing her to finish what she started. The results aren't always pretty, which is why it's used only very sparingly.

The two men are starting to get the dazed and confused look that comes with Muse Dust, and Reia uses the opportunity to grab me by the sleeve of my uniform shirt, as she reaches over with her other hand to open the door. She pulls me out before turning back to the men in the closet.

"Daniel, Paul. Paul, Daniel," she says by way of reintroduction. Muse Dust makes the victim a little hazy for a while, apt to forget where they are or what they're doing. "Have fun, boys," her tone leaving no doubt as to what she means by 'fun.'

My last view of Daniel and Paul is of them regarding one another with curiosity and the beginnings of an understanding of why we put them there, before Reia slams the door shut and starts to drag me off down the corridor.

I pull myself free of her grasp, stopping dead in the middle of the corridor. She senses my lack of motion and turns, first raising her eyebrows, then breaking into a huge, shit-eating grin. "Come on, Am! You're the one who wanted to have fun!"

"No, no I'm not!" I shout, just barely containing the desire to stamp my foot. "You wanted to have fun - by killing Jonas!"

"Well, yeah, but can you bl..."

"That's not the point, dammit, Re!" I yell at her, "Muse Dust?! Do you know what you've just done?!"

She walks back up the corridor, reaching out and pinning my arms to my sides. "Amber, honey, calm down. It's alright. They'll be fine. It only lasts for a while, you know that, and what side effects could it possibly have? They'll talk in the closet, maybe have sex," she wiggles her eyebrows at this, and I can't help but smile, "and everything will go back to how it was before. If they get together, so much the better. Nothing bad is going to happen."

I nod. "You're probably right," I admit, relaxing as I think it all through. It's not as if we instructed them to paint the SGC pink or anything. "I just, you know, after what happened that time with the guys from Buffy ..." I sniffle slightly at the memory.

"I know, sweetie, I know. It's okay," she pats my arms gently before taking her arms away. "So, wanna go get some more coffee?"

I smile. "Do we actually _have_ jobs to do here, or do we just sit around in the Mess drinking coffee?"

She shrugs, "Who needs a job? All those offshore bank accounts we've got, working really ain't a priority. I always thought we were just here for your BDU fetish ..."

We walk down, once again, to the Mess Hall, chatting quietly about normal things, oblivious to the chain of events we have just set in motion.

* * *

Daniel and Paul stand facing each other, close but not quite touching. "Umm, what just happened?"

Paul shakes his head and blinks, as if he's trying to dislodge the memory from his mind. "I...I'm not sure. I think we ..." he looks up again. "Daniel?"

"Yeah?"

"Daniel!?"

"Yes." By now Daniel is thoroughly confused. He glances around to see where he is, and is consequently taken by surprise, yelping out loud as Paul throws his arms around him.

"My god! You're alive! Daniel," he laughs with joy. "I thought I'd lost you forever! You're alive!!"

"Alive? But ..." The memory of his 'death' hits Daniel like the proverbial steam train, and he collapses against Paul as his knees gave way. "I died?"

"Ascended. Remember? Fluffy cloud-dom. When I heard, I realized I'd..." Paul gently guides Daniel to sit on one of the recently vacated boxes in the small supply closet. "Well, that's beside the point. You're back! You came back!"

"Yeah?" Daniel still looks vague. "I wanted coffee."

Paul laughs and squeezes Daniel again. "Coffee! Of course!"

"Umm, Paul?"

"Yes Daniel?"

"You're hugging me."

With a small 'oops,' Paul disengages and steps back. He forces himself to stare at the blank concrete floor and forbade himself from blushing, but still manages to achieve a kind of naughty schoolboy cuteness.

"Actually," Daniel pauses to think about it for a minute. Having spent three months as a non-corporeal fluffy cloud, he'd developed a new appreciation for basic human contact. "Actually, it was kinda nice."

Paul's head snaps up as Daniel smiles bashfully. "Really?" he asks, shyly, not quite sure of the response he's going to get. Is it a joke? Is it an "I want to be your friend" thing? Is it something more?

Daniel nods, still smiling timidly. "Yeah."

Forgetting the regs., the rules, and all common sense, Paul almost immediately finds himself sitting on the box with his arms full of snuggly, cuddly Daniel. "Paul?"

"Yes Daniel?" Paul finds himself dangerously close to kissing Daniel's head, but manages to resist. To satisfy that needy, greedy part of his hindbrain, he discreetly sniffs at Daniel's hair instead.

"What did you realize?" Daniel snuggles a bit closer, and wonders whether they serve coffee that good in the Mess Hall now.

"Huh?" Paul feigns ignorance.

"What was it you realized, when I died?" Daniel pushes the point, curious now.

"Ascended." Paul attempts to deflect him.

"Semantics."

"You're a linguist."

"You're being evasive."

Paul finds himself looking straight into Daniel's crystal blue eyes, shining like cerulean pools of color. He couldn't lie. "I realized I could never tell you how I felt about you."

"You can tell me now."

The words Paul has struggled with before now flow from his lips. "I think I'm in love with you. I think I was from the moment I first saw your photo on file. And those mission reports you wrote - I felt like each one was written just for me. Which is silly, I know."

"No, it's not. Because I think I love you too."

Paul's smile threatens to split his face. "Really?"

Daniel's smile is soft and wistful. "As I was dying, all I could think about was how much I regretted not getting to know you better. I don't want to have that regret."

Paul caresses the side of Daniel's perfect face. "Sweetheart."

Daniel sits up so he is face to face with Paul. "Snookums."

Their lips meet for a soft, pure kiss. Paul slowly opens his eyes to see Daniel smiling softly at him. "Wow."

"Yeah."

"I never knew a kiss could feel like that."

"It was..."

"Perfect." They say the word as one and lean in for another kiss.

Outside, a sergeant walks past and hears muffled grunts and groans. Wood looks at the door with sad eyes, then shuffles on his way.

* * *

"I think it's time we started shipping in our own coffee," Reia grumbles as we stroll out of the Mess. "That was an all-time low."

I roll my eyes. "If you're shipping in coffee, I'm shipping in cookies."

"Get walnut choc-chip and you can share them with a certain archaeologist of our mutual acquaintance," Reia advises.

I push up my sleeve to look at my watch. "I wonder how the boys are getting on?"

"Like minks?"

"You're determined to use every damn cliche in the book today, aren't you?"

Reia shrugs, totally unrepentant. "It's a hobby. Shall we go see?" She digs into her back pocket and produces a small gray object.

"What's that?" I ask, not recognizing her newest toy.

"My palm pilot. I loaded in MinkTracker 1.0 while you were getting dessert. I thought it might come in handy."

I have to laugh. "Never let it be said that your obsession with gadgetry doesn't yield positive results!" We high five each other as we step into the elevator. "Where to?"

"Umm?" She cranes her head to the left, to the right, then to the left again. Silently, I reach over, pluck the small computer out of her hands, rotate it 180 degrees, and put it back. "Thanks. Daniel's office."

"Isn't that Jonas' office now?"

Reia growls softly

"Okay, okay, sheesh. Just cos I won't let you hang, draw and torture the guy doesn't mean you can take it out on me!"

"Do you really want me to..." the elevator doors open and two grunts stroll in. Mmm. BDUs. Yum yum! I'm instantly distracted. No one really appreciates the true beauty of BDUs - they're a truly excellent piece of clothing design. These two exemplify the reason why I love BDUs so much - you can get a really good look at a guy's ass when he's wearing BDUs. Especially if that guy is Teal'c. Oh yeah.

Reia sighs.

* * *

The BDU-boys finally leave the elevator at the floor before us. "Better?"

Amber is smiling. She appears to be lost in some kind of bliss. "Much."

The doors swish open and I stride down the hallway. I know the way to Daniel's office. I scoped it out for the possibility of a sniper attack after that Jonas prick moved in. The office was more suited to landmines than rifle sights, but I was too afraid to detonate something in there lest I broke one of Daniel's artifacts.

Oh well. If worst comes to worst, I can always boot his weaselly butt through an un-GDO'ed wormhole.

A smack to my arm drags me back to the present. "Stop dreaming up ways to kill Jonas."

"How'd you know I was?" I ask, hurt. 

"You're smiling your special smile." Damn. Woman knows me too well.

We arrive at Daniel's closed door. "Should we knock, or just let ourselves in?"

Amber shrugs and puts her ear up against the door. 

"Hear anything?"

"Shh."

A soldier comes around the corner and blinks at the sight of an officer with her ear pressed against a closed door. I glare at him, and he decides to be elsewhere. Smart lad.

"I hear...snoring."

"Snoring? That's good, right?"

She shrugs. "One way to find out." She pushes the door open and bows. "After you, madam."

I stride in and stop in the center of the room. Amber presses past me, stops, and whistles.

I have to agree. It looks like a cyclone has swept through the office via a pornography convention. There's even a kitten napping on a pile of papyrus scrolls. I just don't want to know. I reach over and tap Amber's shoulder. "Umm, perhaps we should come back later?" I whisper.

She nods, her eyes sweeping the room eagerly as she walks backwards to the door. Knowing her, she's probably taking notes.

Safely back in the corridor, I carefully close the door. 

"Hang on." Without waiting, Amber pushes back inside.

"Amber! Shit!"

She reappears with a piece of paper and a thick black marker in her hand. "I think they'll thank us for this," she says, leaning up against the door to scribble 'Do Not Disturb' on the paper, before sticking the homemade sign on to the door.

"Clever."

"One of us has to be."

* * *

The voice is our warning. That voice. I feel Reia stiffen beside me. I instinctively grab her arm. "Down girl. No killing today."

"Fuck that," she hisses back. "He's gonna want to go into Daniel's office."

Shit. She's right. "Got any ideas?"

She gives me that smile. Double shit. "Play along." I know I'm going to regret this, but I have no choice but to follow as she strides up the corridor.

"Jonas!" The dweeb instinctively flattens himself against the wall and drops into a huddle. Two passing marines try not to laugh out loud. Both wearing BDUs. Mmm. May have to look them up later.

"Y-yes?"

"Jonas," she says, in this painfully chirpy voice I've never heard before. "I think I've been a bit harsh on you."

That gets my attention off the BDUs. I glance at her, trying to hide my confusion from Jonas. What's she up to?

"R-really?" He's staring at her like she's a saber-tooth tiger

"Yes. Amber agrees with me, don't you, Am?" He looks up at me like I'm a wolf and he can't decide which is the lesser of two great evils before him.

"Oh, totally!" I enthuse, using my best cheerleader voice.

"So I was thinking we should go get some coffee and just talk."

"I don't like coffee."

I try not to wince. Saying to Reia that you don't like coffee is like telling Teal'c you think Apophis was a really swell, slightly misunderstood guy.

But she just slaps him cheerfully on the back. Jonas is nearly knocked off his feet. "Bullshit. You just haven't had the good stuff. Whadya say? Us three head down to the Springs and get some real java?"

Aha! Off the Mountain. Away from the office. Perfect. "Yeah, let's go," I plead, ever so slight. "It'll be so much fun to get to really know one another. So, Jonas, what's your favorite color? Mine's blue. I love blue. It's so pretty, don't you think..." I chatter away, trying to keep the man off balance, as Reia takes one arm, I take the other, and away we go. We must be a real sight, but as long as no one stumbles across that little scene in the office, it'll be worth it.

Jonas gives up protesting after a few minutes and just lets us tow him outside to our car. He sits in stoic silence, resisting all my attempts at mindless conversation, as we drive down the mountain at twice the legal limit with the stereo blasting. We pull up with a squeal of brakes outside the only decent coffee shop in the Springs.

"Here we go. The Beany Leaf. If this doesn't make you a coffee drinker, Jonas, nothing will." The poor man trudges after us, looking like he's being led off to his execution. Hell, if Reia gets him alone for five seconds, he probably is. She'll revert to her original plan for creating fun / havoc at the mountain, and put some poison in his coffee. At least I can count on her not to retrieve that bloody great big sword, which she thinks I don't know is in the trunk of the car, and start swinging. She'd never be let back into the caf again if she got blood splatters on the walls.

We stand on the sidewalk outside the Leaf, waiting for Jonas to catch up. A sudden, high-pitched scream catches our attention. A huge horde of middle-aged, t-shirt-wearing women appears from inside a comic store across the street. For a moment, I'm struck with the terrible fear that 'Wives Opposed to Amber' have finally found me, and are baying for blood. Hey, it's not my fault they can't keep their husbands under control. But, thank God, it's not WOA. "There he is!" one of them yells, pointing right at Jonas.

Jonas stands rooted to the spot, terrified. The screaming mob converges on him, yelling abuse about what a 'cowardly traitor' he is, and trapping him at their center. I finally get a look at one of their t-shirts. It appears to have some kind of logo, incorporating an S, a D and a J. It occurs to me that they might be the Sam/Daniel/Jonas group that sprang up on the Internet recently, claiming that they'd found The True Pairing. Or Tripling. With Sam's golden hair, Daniel's cerulean eyes, and Jonas's sparkling teeth, they'd be unstoppable. I shudder at the thought.

They don't appear to be the Sam/Daniel/Jonas people though. I doubt that group would greet one third of their triad with such vicious abuse. There are some words being thrown around by the crowd that make me blush. I realize I've lost sight of Jonas as the crowd surges forward, screams of pain just audible over the noise of the mob of women. Another battle-yell that would do Xena proud, and the mob disappear as quickly as they had appeared, dispersing into the shops and cafes along the street as if nothing had happened. All that's left of Jonas is a few scraps of cloth and a greasy stain on the sidewalk.

I look at Reia, hands on hips. "Huh!" she says with a self-satisfied grin that doesn't entirely convince me of the randomness of the event we have just witnessed. "Don't see that every day, do you? Come on, let me buy you a mocha."

I shrug and follow her into the caf.

* * *

Suppressing a yawn, I wander into the Mess Hall in search of coffee. I've never really been a morning person, but military mornings are just that much worse. Not only do I have to get up at the ungodly hour of 6am ... sorry, 0600, but I have to spend at least an hour sorting my hair out, because the chances of running into The Man of My Dreams (tm) is that much greater in a facility where eighty percent of the inhabitants are, at any given time, wearing either BDUs or a lab coat. A girl has to look her best.

I rotate my shoulders, bat my eyes at the cute guy behind the counter, take the Styrofoam cup, and head over to a partially empty table. With a nod to the two marines already seated there (one of whom I know. In the biblical sense. The other of whom I don't. Yet), I gulp down a mouthful of coffee and begin to plan the coming day.

My pondering is interrupted by a dramatic sigh, which I suspect was loud enough to gain the attention of people in Mexico. I look up from my coffee with the intention of glaring my disapproval at the perpetrator, only to find him sitting forlornly at a table just across the aisle from me, his chin resting in his hands as he leans on the pressed blue tablecloth, staring off into the mid-distance, totally unaware of the stares of irritation he's managed to gather from the entire room. The three SFs who share his table are frowning and muttering loudly to one another about what happens to people who interrupt their morning coffee ritual, but he doesn't seem to notice.

I shake my head and turn back to my coffee. Poor Major Davis. I guess he's got a lot to think about after what happened yesterday. He and Daniel obviously did breath in a little too much Muse Dust and had some fun, but the consequences are bound to be difficult to deal with. And he may well have really liked Daniel, even before we got involved. He has eyes, after all, and that's pretty much the only criteria.

I couldn't glare at him anyway - he's just too damn cute when he's pouting.

I take another sip of my coffee, and think about getting up and going over to talk to him. He looks unhappy, maybe his guard will be down. Okay, so he's not wearing BDUs or a lab coat, but I can make an exception.

I'm just about to make my move when, to the great surprise of everyone in the room, Daniel walks in. It takes me a minute to remember that they didn't know he de-ascended yesterday, and that this is the first time anyone, other than myself, Reia or Paul, has seen him. As far as we know. I kinda assumed that he'd phone the General or Jack or someone, to let them know that he was back. After all, he doesn't have an apartment or anything, since he's been declared MIA, and all his stuff was put into storage. Maybe he did call Jack. He must've slept somewhere after the Dust wore off.

I expect it to be awkward, a shy nod and an embarrassed rush to the coffee pot, but Daniel locates Paul as soon as he enters the Mess Hall and, ignoring the startled remarks about his return from various personnel, makes a beeline for Paul's table. He sits down opposite the Major, and the two of them sit there for a minute, staring into each other's eyes.

I am stunned. Totally speechless. But this is only the beginning.

"Baby, what's wrong?" he asks, before really reaching across the table to take Paul's hand in his own. "You've been looking so unhappy since this morning."

I snort coffee out of my nose at this, and gape at them. Baby? Did Daniel just call Paul "baby" in full view of the entire Mess Hall? He can't have. I must've misheard. I snatch a napkin from the dispenser in the middle of the table and wipe my face off, never taking my eyes from the couple.

Paul sighs. "It's just ..." he sighs dramatically again. I think he missed his calling - he should've been an actor in 'Sunset Beach'. "No, it's nothing. I don't want you to worry." He looks yearningly at Daniel before turning away to gaze forlornly back at the middle distance.

"You can tell me. I want to know, if something's bothering you. Please, baby," Daniel squeezes his hand, and Paul turns to look at him again. Daniel looks beseechingly, his eyebrows taking on a life of their own to make his point.

"I just ..." he sighs again, which is getting really old, really fast. "I'm so tired of all the secrecy, you know?"

So tired? It's been, what, twelve hours, and already he's tired of the secrecy. And 'secrecy'? What secrecy - they've just outed themselves to the entire Mess Hall. That's not 'secrecy', that's 'stupidity'. He's not going to have to worry about being tired of anything but prison food and exercise time soon, when he gets shipped off to Leavenworth. I sigh. They must still be high on Muse Dust. It's not meant to last this long. Reia's going to be pissed. Or hysterical. With her, you can never quite tell which it'll be.

"I know, I know." Daniel squeezes his hand again, and they gaze into one another's eyes for a bit. I look at Daniel's eyes myself, and notice that there's something different. Maybe it was the ascension. I mean, that's bound to change a guy a bit, right? They just look a little more ... cerulean than usual.

"And ..." Paul pauses again, checks that the middle distance is still there, and looks back at Daniel. "I miss you, you know? When we're apart ..."

I shake my head, taking another sip of coffee to hide my expression of nausea. 'Apart'? They haven't been apart yet. They only decided to get it on yesterday, for goodness sake. And that was only after copping a face-full of Reia's special blend of Muse Dust.

One of the marines on my table is wiping his eyes on a lacey hanky, while the one sitting opposite him pats his shoulder and offers words of comfort. What the fuck!?

I look back at Paul and notice that his eyes have also misted up. As have Daniel's. Is someone peeling onions in the kitchen?

"Oh, baby, I feel it too," Daniel says, his voice teetering on the brink of breaking into a flood of tears. Paul has no such compunction, and starts weeping melodramatically.

"It's just so hard!" he wails.

I sit, unable to move, as the various personnel around me in the Mess Hall start passing around napkins and tissues to wipe the stray tears away from their eyes. Some hug, while others take a slightly more masculine route and simply rub each other's shoulders. I alone am not even slightly misty eyed.

Daniel stands up. "Oh, honey, come here." He pulls Paul up and hugs him tight, rubbing gentle circles on his back as Paul sobs into his shoulder. "Don't, don't ... we'll sort something out. We have to! I love you so much."

Paul pulls back slightly, and gazes up at Daniel through his suddenly far longer than they used to be eyelashes. "You ... you do?" he sniffles, wiping his eyes on the back of his hand.

"Yeah," Daniel confirms, "Yeah, and you know what? It's not just love, it's Love. True Love."

The few remaining marines who have, up until now, retained some small shred of dignity lose it, weeping and wailing on to each other's shoulders.

Daniel reaches out, brushing his fingers across Paul's cheek, coaxing a smile from the tearful Major.

"True Love?" he asks, getting a nod from Daniel. "Well I guess I'd better go call the Joint Chiefs." He smiles again. "I never really liked my job anyway, you know. All that reading and budgets and stuff, it's kinda dull."

"I won't make you choose," Daniel says, taking a step back, an expression of self-sacrifice and pain on his face. "I won't make you pick a life of happiness and hot sex with me over your crappy, boring job."

"You don't have to, I've already decided."

They stare into one another's eyes for a bit longer before, to my very great shock, leaning in for a sloppy, disgusting, newlywed-style kiss. The personnel in the Mess Hall spontaneously burst into applause, with a few wolf whistles and calls of "it's about time."

I stand up, knocking my coffee over the table, and stalk out of the door, unnoticed by the crowd of onlookers. I turn out of the Mess Hall, and head down towards the labs where I know her ladyship will be.

**"REIA!!"**

* * *

"Let me tell you one last time. Muse Dust is NOT contagious." I wish Amber would get out of the way, out of my lab and back to this hour's BDUed and/or lab coated toy boy. She's disrupting today's evil social experiment. Since Jonas was smooshed, I've been...well, bored.

"Re-ia," she whines again. Hmm, I wonder if she'll go away if I thrust one of the local lab geeks at her? I look around for one, but my assistants all seem to have gone into hiding. Again. Strange, that.

"I don't see what the big problem is, Am," I tell her in my most reasonable voice. "So the guys got a little soppy. We did want them to get together, didn't we?"

She grabs my shoulders, pulling me around and forcing me to look at her. "This was beyond soppy! This was the bastard son of soppy! This was the future spawn of soppy, from a time when sop rules the world! It was horrifying! It was..." she shook impotently with rage. "Marines were SOBBING into LACE HANKIES!" she screams at my face.

That gets my attention. "Lace? I thought all lace was shot on sight down here?" That was the impression I got after getting my underwear back from the laundry the last time.

She was shaking her head sadly. "It gets worse. Much worse."

I close my book, my interest piqued. "Define 'worse'?"

She grabs my arm and drags me off the lab stool. "I can't even bring myself to say it. You've got to see the horror for yourself."

In hindsight, I realize I should have known that something was seriously wrong as soon as Amber appeared, awake and coherent, within an hour of reveille. She never, ever gets up before dawn, and the closest thing she gets to seeing sunrise is staggering out of a club with a BDU/lab coat honey on each arm, muttering 'is that the time?"

But I miss these early warning signs, and as such am totally unprepared for the sight that assails me as I'm dragged into the Mess Hall. A group of marines sits in the center of the room, listening with sniffley rapture to one of Janet's nurses reading aloud from a Harlequin romance. Sgt Siler is off in the corner, looking moody and pensive, a bowl of raspberry yogurt in front of him. A couple of SFs are standing in the food queue discussing last night's episode of Queer as Folk.

 

Amber stands there, tapping her foot as I pour us coffee. Her entire body just screams 'I told you so.'

"It's not the Dust," I tell her matter-of-factly as I lead us over to the table next to Siler, as far away from the bodice-ripping marines as possible. "It can't be the Dust."

"It's not the Dust," she parrots back. "Geez, you've been watching for twenty seconds and you're absolutely positive you're right. You sound just like Sam Carter some days."

From the next table comes a despairing moan of "Sam Carter." Siler then falls, face first and sobbing, into his bowl of raspberry yogurt. 

Amber stares at him for a moment, then shrugs. "Anyway, what else could it be?"

"Reehtu?" I offer lamely.

"Reehtu? Sorry hon, but Reehtu don't make people act like they're on Muse Dust!" She hisses at me. "I mean, look at them. All we need now is a couple of Mary Sues and we're ready for the BadFic to start."

I wave my coffee mug between us. Et tu, Brutus?

If anything, that seems to encourage her. "See! My point exactly! You fix this, and you fix it now!"

I smile at her. "Why? Everyone else seems to be enjoying themselves."

"It's all fun and games till someone looses their virginity in a supply closet."

I stand up. "Well, then it's just another normal day with you around. Embrace the madness. Or whoever else takes your fancy." Whistling, I waltz out of the room.

* * *

"Embrace..?" Seething, I storm down the corridor. I need to find Daniel and Paul. They got the first dose, they'll have the most advanced symptoms. If I know Reia, and unfortunately I do, she probably dosed them up with some super-strength, hybrid, experimental variety.

That woman is Dr Frankenstein in the labs some days.

The klaxons sound again, announcing another off-world activation. Why they always have to announce it to the entire base is beyond me. A small group of marines pound up the corridor towards me, so I snag a BDU clad male who looks vaguely familiar. "Hey honey?"

I have his immediate attention. Call them honey, and they snap to a very special kind of attention. It's almost Pavlovian. And very, very useful.

"Honey, who's that coming through the Gate?"

"The Tok'ra delegation, ma'am."

"Ah, yes, of course."

"Including General Carter and Anise, ma'am."

"Shit. That bitch is back already?"

"I believe that was Colonel O'Neill's assessment as well, ma'am."

I gesture to his men. "What's the hurry, then? Did Tok'ra Barbie's Fairy Godmother tell her that her boobs would deflate if we didn't get the meeting done by midnight?"

He looks a bit uncomfortable. "I'm looking for extra bodies to fill in on guard duty in the briefing room. We're a little short-staffed, ma'am." 

I flash back to my recent visit to the Mess Hall. I thought those Marines in the Harlequin reading circle looked familiar. "I understand." A thought occurs to me. "Major Davis will be at this meeting, won't he?"

The Marine nods, and I spread my arms wide. "Well, consider yourself short less one body, airman."

He sighs in relief as I fall in with the company double-timing it to the briefing room. Some days I've really wanted to be a fly on that wall. This is the next best thing.

* * *

As soon as Amber leaves the Mess, I dash back inside. I am actually a little worried about what I've seen here, but I'm damned if I am going to give her the satisfaction of knowing that.

Digging around in one of the oversized pockets of my cammo pants, I pull out my trusty palm pilot. The innocuous little gray box is souped-up to my exacting specifications, and is totally necessary given my current environment. 

I doubt anyone would notice if I set a landmine off in here at the moment, but even so I take a seat opposite Siler (still mumbling miserably into his yogurt) before turning on my toy. Whipping out the pen, I begin pecking away at the controls.

First thing I need is an air sample from this room. Muse Dust can be delivered any number of ways, but inhalation is usually the best bet. 

I eye Siler as my trusty toy beeps away to itself. If not air, then maybe food? You'd need a lot of Muse Dust to infect this many people. Still, it might improve the taste.

My Palm beeps again, presenting me with the results. I gasp so loudly Siler looks up from his yogurt-drenched misery. "What?"

"Sam Carter," I tell him quickly, and he instantly descends into his raspberry-flavored despair again.

I stand up and shove my Palm into my pocket. Shit, fuck, damn, blast! There's enough Muse Dust in the air to infect everyone on Base. And this is a closed system. Hell, it could be days before the scrubbers clean all the Dust out of the air.

I think it's safe to say that I am now in very deep poodoo.

* * *

Staff meetings never seemed this long and drawn out before. I stand at my post in the corner and tried to resist the urge to slouch against the wall, whip out a file and start shaping my nails.

Worse still, there's no sign of either Paul or Daniel. Knowing my luck, they're probably down in Daniel's office, the Do Not Disturb sigh I created yesterday hanging mockingly on the door, as they fuck like horny little minks on Daniel's desk.

Half their luck. All this Muse Dust going around, everyone in BDUs, and I'm at least four and a half minutes away from the nearest lockable storage closet.

Instead, I've got Hammond, Jacob, Anise, Sam, Janet and Jack sitting around the briefing room table, droning on about Earth-Tok'ra relations since blah blah, whatever. Teal'c is apparently "on his way", but they gave up on Jonas appearing about ten minutes ago. I think it'd probably be prudent to let someone else fill them in on the origin of the greasy stain currently marring the sidewalk outside the Beany Leaf.

Anise is prattling on, spouting half-assed pleasantries, wearing her usual rubber corset. Bitch. Just because she can get away with an outfit like that doesn't mean she has to rub it in for the rest of us.

There's a clatter on the stairs, and I look over with interest. Oh yeah, I'm the guard; I get to sticky beak and look all menacing to intruders. Do I get to ask 'who goes there?' too?

"General!"

Shit, it's Daniel and Paul. Fully clothed, thank God, but holding hands in the briefing room.

As one half of the party responsible for this debacle, there is only one thing I can realistically do at this point. I lean against my shadowy wall and settle in to enjoy the show.

Daniel and Paul either don't notice or don't care that everyone is in shock at Daniel's sudden reappearance. They're too busy making sickening gooey eyes at each other and grinning like idiots. I have a sudden urge to vomit, probably from all the saccharine in the air. Or is it Muse Dust?

"Hi everyone!" Fuck, Daniel was never this chipper in the morning before. Then again, fucking may be the reason behind it. "I'm back!" No shit, Sherlock!

Paul chimes in, swinging their joined hands in his glee. "And we've got an announcement to make. Now, despite that whole Don't Ask, Don't Tell thing, we think you need to know, just 'cause, well, you do." Daniel is nodding along to this in total agreement.

Screw don't ask, don't tell, honey. That little scene in the Mess this morning has probably already booked you the honeymoon suite at Leavenworth. I don't think the Joint Chiefs will accept Muse Dust as a valid excuse for playing tonsil hockey with the base archeologist over breakfast.

"Dr Jackson, Major Davis?" Hammond is little a little confused. Good think Jacob is here; George will have a buddy to get drunk with. I doubt anyone could blame him for needing to break out the Scotch after he hears what's been going on on his base.

Daniel looks to Paul. "You tell them, honey."

"No, you snookums."

"No, no, you sweetie-pie."

My gag reflex is obviously going to get a good workout today.

"Let's tell them together, okay?"

"Okay," Paul squeals like a fourteen-year old Valley girl.

They turn and look at the group around the table. "We're in Love!"

In the movies, this is where the sound of crickets would come in.

**"EEEEEEEEEEK!!!"**

The high-pitched squeal of delight has me ducking in fright and looking for the suicide assassin sent by 'Wives Opposed to Amber'. But the noise is from Sam and Janet, who have leapt out of their chairs and darted across the room, squealing and bouncing with glee as they cover the cute couple in copious kisses. "That is SO wonderful! You guys are like, SO cute together! We always knew you'd get together eventually!"

 

Paul and Daniel shoot each other a delirious look. "Yeah."

"Oooh, we're so happy for you!" Janet leans up to give Paul a kiss on his cheek, as Sam gives Daniel a similar peck.

"Jan, sweetie, I think we should tell them," Sam says, tilting her head and gazing at Janet.

"But honey, the regs."

"Oh who cares! They're our friends, we should tell them!" Sam reaches out and catches Janet's hand, squeezing it gently. Janet moves over to stand at Sam's side.

"Everyone, we love you all so much, we want you all to be the first to know. Janet and I are in Love too! We've been together for about a year now, and we're raising Cassie together, as our daughter." They look around the room, before gazing lovingly into each other's eyes for a moment.

Then the two girls kissed. I'm not talking peck on the cheek. I'm talking about a full on, serious lip locking, fetch the oxygen mask cos they're not coming up for air anytime soon kind of kiss.

If this isn't the work of Muse Dust, then I'm converting to celibacy.

I drag my eyes off the lung-diving ladies and check out reactions around the room. The Marines standing guard are all sniffling into their hankies. Jacob looks like he's five seconds off weeping himself. I'd been expecting him to leap over the table and pull his daughter away from the Doctor, before sequestering her in a holding cell, possibly the first step before a nunnery. Or maybe, under the circumstances, a monastery. Then he and George give each other a look. 

I don't care who you are. That is just wrong.

I look over at Jack. Ah, good old reliable Jack. His jaw is on the table and the vein in his forehead is doing a weird percussion thing. He at least looks ready to chew nails. Glad to see someone isn't affected by this mess.

Tok'ra of Borg stands up, blocking my view of Jack's apoplexy with her rubber-encased breasts. "Daniel Jackson, Major Davis -" heh, stupid bitch probably thinks Major is his first name. "My congratulations on your union." She looks to Jacob, nods slightly, and continues. "On behalf of the Tok'ra, I would like to inform you that, should you ever wish to have children, as you undoubtedly will, we would be more than willing to grant you access to our gene splicing and gestation technology."

"Huh?" The boys ask in stereo.

Sam and Janet finally come up for air. "Technology to create and bring to term a child that is, both legally and genetically, your offspring." Janet explains.

"Oooh!" Sam squeals. "Babies!!"

Janet looks over at Anise. "But what about the problem of two Y chromosomes not being genetically viable?"

Anise looks blank for a few moments, before shrugging. "Oh, we fixed that."

Sam grins. "Cool." To celebrate, she goes back in for another kiss.

Daniel and Paul look at each other in a state of shock. "Anise, thank you." 

George stands up, pausing to pat Jacob's hand lightly. Oh God, that's disturbing. "I believe this calls for a celebration."

I slip away down the stairs. I just can't take it anymore. Then I get to the bottom of the stairs, and get a good look at the scene being played out in the control room. This has gotten out of hand.

* * *

I look at the calendar on the lab wall, then back to the computer model. Shit fuck DAMN! The Muse Dust circulating through the vents has a different half-life to normal, under-the-counter Muse Dust. It won't become inert until Friday.

And it's only Tuesday morning.

"Amber's gonna kill me."

"Death's too good for you." I swivel in my lab chair and watch as a haggard-looking Amber staggers in and collapses in the nearest chair. I grab an espresso and pour it down her throat. Amber looking less than gorgeous around BDU clad airmen means that Doomsday is probably nigh.

"I take it things haven't improved?"

She glares at me balefully. "Well, let me put it this way. Siler is in the Gateroom and Teal'c's in the control room."

"And..."

"They're acting out the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet over the microphone." As my jaw drops, she goes in for the kill. "And Teal'c is playing Juliet."

I couldn't help myself. "Who's playing the Nurse?" Amber glares daggers and I back up automatically, wondering where I left my Kevlar vest. "Okay, okay, they're not our main concern. It's our minkboys we have to worry about." I reach over and grab my Palm off the counter. "It says here they're in the briefing room."

"Yes, they're having an impromptu "we're in Love" party."

A mouthful of espresso flies out of my mouth, over Amber, the palm pilot and half the lab. "WHAT?!"

Amber wipes her face carefully. "I said," she repeated slowly, enunciating each syllable with whiplash clarity. "They just announced to General Hammond and everyone else at morning briefing that they're in Love."

I look at her carefully. "When are the SFs coming to take them away?"

"The SFs are too busy weeping over Shelley." She gets up and pours herself a fresh cup. "Oh yeah, and Sam and Janet seem to have paired up as well. They're raising Cassie together, and Sam was squealing over babies."

"Why the fuck not," I say with a dramatic gesture more suited to the Gateroom Globe Theatre. "What else has been going on? Any other pairings I should know about?"

"George and Jacob were winking at one another."

"Now I know you're shitting me."

"Whatever. What I want to know is have you figured out how to fix it or should I give up and start knitting booties for the Davis/Jackson love child that Anise offered to breed in her lab?"

I turn back to the computer. "A sprog? What do you reckon, blue eyes or green?"

Amber groans and pulls up a seat at the terminal. "Knowing our luck, one of each."

* * *

I watch Reia tap on her computer, umming and ahhing over models and graphs and stuff I just don't understand. I'm not actually doing anything to help, and I'm starting to get a bit bored of sitting around looking pretty. Or not. I decide to go and sort myself out.

"Re, hun, you find a solution to this mess, or I'll rip your throat out myself," I encourage her gently, before slipping off my lab stool and making my way over to the door. She grunts her acknowledgement softly, without breaking eye contact with the screen, and I slip out of the lab. Reia's lab has to be one of the only labs in the Universe where there are no lab coat wearing geeks. It's so unfair.

I decide to make the best of the situation, and head to the locker rooms for a shower. With everyone running around out of their heads on Muse Dust, I might as well try and get some fun out of it. The locker room is abandoned - I guess everyone's too preoccupied to be thinking about going on missions - so I throw myself in the shower and wash my hair.

I feel much better afterwards, and, having dried and restyled my hair, I locate a clean, freshly pressed, form-fitting uniform to squeeze into. Ah, I feel almost human again. I check the mirror, make sure that I look decent and presentable again, and decide to head up to the Party in the Briefing Room.

Walking up to the Gateroom, I can't help but notice that I'm not getting as many admiring and/or lustful looks from the various SFs and Marines I pass in the hallways as I ought to, looking as fabulous as I currently do. Not being vain or anything, just judging on past performance - it's strange. I mean, this morning it was understandable. I looked terrible. But now?

I arrive at the party, and peer in. Things appear to be in full swing. Someone has hung a "Happy Coming Out" banner across the top of the window frame, everyone appears to be drinking champagne and munching on nibbles, and Sgt. Davis is singing "Killing Me Softly" into a Karaoke machine in the corner, while Anise is doing that trick with a cherry stem and her tongue. Bitch. Of course, I can do it too, but when I do it, it's tasteful and mature.

I snag a glass of champagne from the table, and considering heading over to the Karaoke machine to do my party piece, Heart's "All I wanna do is make love to you", when a shriek from Sam distracts me. Guessing that she's just discovered her father's 'friendship' with General Hammond (gagh, ugh, wrong, wrong, _wrong_!), I dash over to catch the fireworks.

"You! And my Dad!" Sam shrieks. I position myself at the edge of the group, next to Jack. Daniel and Paul are here too, still holding hands and looking slightly dazed by the whole thing. Maybe the Muse Dust is starting to wear off. Or maybe it's just the Power of True Love. Ugh. Can't believe I just said that.

I wait for the explosion.

"Ooh!" She screws up her eyes, blindly reaching out for Janet's supporting hand. "Oh!" Opening them again, she breaks into a huge smile. "That's so fabulous!"

I almost drop my champagne glass. Fabulous? Fabulous! Disturbing to the point of requiring therapy, yes. Fabulous, no!

Sam throws her arms around George. "I always kinda thought of you as my uncle, but now I can call you Daddy!" she whispers, wiping the tears away from her eyes. Jacob offers his hanky to his almost-daughter-in-law Janet, who is weeping quietly, while brushing away his own tears of joy. Teal'c and Siler join us, hands clasped firmly together. Oh God!

"MajorCarter, are you unwell?" Teal'c inquires.

"No, Teal'c, I'm just so," she pauses, trying to find the right word to express the power of her feelings. "So happy! I have two daddies now!"

Teal'c looks at Hammond and Jacob. "General Hammond, General Carter, I am most pleased to hear of your union."

George looks at Jacob with a twinkle in his eye, then back at Teal'c. "You're never to old for lovin' son," he says, nodding slightly at Siler, "as I'm sure you'd understand."

I shudder. That image will haunt me to my grave. I might as well give up now - celibacy here I come.

Paul is weeping into his lace hanky again, as Daniel rubs his back and makes baby noises. "It's all so beautiful. So much Love! I'm just so happy that everyone is so happy about everything."

Daniel shuts his eyes, shock passing over his features. He looks like he's just heard a Shakespearian sonnet for the first time - "shall I compare thee to a summer's day" and all that. He should've been in the Gateroom with me earlier; he could've caught the matinee performance of "Romeo and Julian".

He opens his eyes, limpid pools of ceruleanness, and gazes lovingly at Paul, before sniffing dramatically. "You're right, baby, it's all just so beautiful." They share a look. "Just one thing more would make this moment perfect."

Paul wipes his eyes once more with the hanky before asking, "What's that, beloved?"

Daniel reaches out to catch his lover's other hand, so he's holding them both, before dropping down on one knee. There's a collective gasp, as the entire room comes to a stop, turning away from their nibbles and karaoke to witness this historical and highly illegal moment.

Some of them are already openly weeping, some are on the verge. I briefly consider the possibility of opening a Kleenex factory in the grounds of the mountain - I'd make a killing!

Paul is a wide-eyed, open-mouthed picture of shock. He stares down at Daniel, silent. Even with his eyes all puffy from all that weeping, and the slack-jawed yokel look, he's kinda cute. Think I missed my chance though.

"Baby, I know this has all been a bit sudden," Daniel starts. I manage to cover my snort with a look of deep emotion and a pseudo swipe at my non-tear-filled eyes. "I mean, you know, it's really only been, what, twenty four hours? And before that, well, I hardly knew you. But now that I do, I know that I love you. I Love you. Truly. And I've decided, having thought about it deeply and seriously for at least three hours, that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't care that it's illegal in Colorado, and, since you haven't resigned from the Air Force yet, that you could get thrown in jail for it. I love you, and our love will overcome all obstacles. Precious, Princess, Light of my Life - Will you marry me?"

Jack and I are now the only two people in the room, including Daniel and Paul, who are not weeping both loudly and profusely. Sam and Janet are clinging to each other, Janet resting her head on Sam's shoulder, sobbing into one another's shirts. Teal'c is cradling Siler, petting his hair and calling him petal and sweetie as he weeps into Teal'c's chest. Jacob and George are, oh God, they're holding hands! Ugh.

I look at Jack. He looks like he's going to be sick. At least I'm not the only one unaffected by this. Maybe Jack can help us Save the Day.

Paul is, again, sobbing, one hand clasped over his mouth, the other limp between Daniel's hands.

Daniel looks up at him through misty eyes. "Well? Baby? Honey? Love?"

Paul wails, pulling Daniel up to eye level. "Of course! Of course I'll marry you!" he finally manages to say, before pulling Daniel into a fierce hug, followed by a deep kiss.

The audience breaks into spontaneous applause, cheering and toasting the soon-to-be happy couple. Jack finally shuts his mouth, and putting his glass of champagne to one side, strides over to the boys, taking one in each hand by the shoulder and prizing them apart firmly. Finally! Someone's going to put a stop to this madness.

They look up at him through misty eyes. "What?" Daniel asks innocently.

"You can't marry him, Daniel, you just can't!" Jack tells him, reaching out and taking Daniel's hands between his own. "Daniel, I never told you before, because I was scared and stuff, and that thing with Carter and me, that was just, you know, sublimating - I was pretending to like her so no one would know how I really felt. About you. Daniel, I love you!"

This time I do drop my champagne glass.

Daniel looks stunned, doing his goldfish impression a few times before remembering himself, pulling his hands away from Jack and turning his back on him.

Jack reaches out to rest a hand on Daniel's shoulder. "I probably ought to have mentioned this earlier, right?" he asks.

'No,' I think, 'no, you probably ought to have mentioned it never!' It's bad enough that they want to get married, without you interrupting the proposal with your own declaration of love, like some bad soap-opera cliche.

"Hey," Paul interjects weakly, finally finding his voice.

"Back off Davis, I was here first!" Jack snarls. Paul whimpers and starts to cry again.

Daniel pulls away from Jack, moving over to wraps his arms around his sobbing fiancé. "Don't you speak to my precious honeykins like that, Jack!" he says, frowning at Jack. "I'm sorry, but even if I would've once maybe thought about skipping off into the sunset and living happily ever after with you as my One True Love, you've been really mean recently, so I've found someone else to be my One True Love, and I don't like you anymore. You can still be my best friend, if you want, but that's it."

Paul sobs into Daniel's shoulder. "No, no! He's right!" he wails, melodramatically. "I just want you to be happy! I'm only a supporting character, after all. It's not like I have feelings or anything. Just use me to get you guys together, and throw me to one side afterwards - everyone else does after all."

Daniel's eyes mist up, and he kisses Paul's hair gently. "Oh, baby. I don't love him anymore. I love you! I want to marry you! I've spent a whole three hours thinking about it. I've never been so sure of anything in my life!"

Paul looks up. "Really?"

"Yes, really." They gaze into one another's eyes for few moments, before coming together for another noisy kiss.

"I'm sorry Jack," Daniel says as they break for air. "I just don't feel that way about you."

Jack sighs and looks bereft. "Okay," he says, after a brief pause. "Had to try. So, when's the wedding going to be? Can I be best man?"

The low hum of conversation starts up again as the crisis moment ends, and someone turns on the CD player.

Sam and Janet start to squeal again, and bounce over to the boys. "Can we be bridesmaids?! Ooh," they share a guilty look, "umm, we mean, attendants."

Daniel is just about to answer when Anise sexes over, waving her various surgically enhanced assets at anyone who's willing to look, and interrupts the conversation. "I see further congratulations are required. I am", she tells us all, stony faced and pouting, "deeply moved by this union of True Love. I was, as I'm sure you will all remember, once interested in Dr. Jackson myself." She turns to Paul, giving him what she probably thinks is a reassuring look. "Purely on an intellectual level, of course." He scowls and tightens his hold on Daniel's hand. "However, I now wish to prove my faith in your impending matrimony by reiterating my offer to personally provide the Tok'ra technology and implement the process necessary for you to have a child, as no union is complete without a child."

I snort. Stupid bitch. Everyone else nods sagely.

The boys share a look. "Thank you, Anise. That's very ... kind of you. We'll, umm ... we'll think about it," Paul tells her.

They start to talk about color schemes for the wedding and what font to use on the wedding invitations, so I decide it's time to go. Wedding talk always gets me jittery.

I smile, offer a few passive words of congratulations to the Happy Couple, and make my way out, pausing briefly only when I hear George mutter to Jacob, "Ah Jake, I always hoped those crazy kids would get it together."

I really, really hope Reia's found a cure.

* * *

**"REIA!"**

I spin around on my stool. "No, I don't know what's happening, no, I don't know how to stop it, no, I'm not going to take the blame for it." Amber comes to a dead stop in front of me, blinking owlishly. "Did I miss anything?"

She waves her hands. "Fuck that, honey. They're getting married!"

Married? Okay, that confirms it. My Muse Dust has a special anti-marriage additive - I prefer my muses to be living in sin. "Do you mean to tell me that Daniel and Paul..?"

"Yeah. Daniel got down on one knee, in the briefing room, in front of everyone. Oh, and Jack tried to talk him out of it."

That gets my attention. "Jack's not affected?"

"Oh, he's affected," Amber tells me, waving her arms about wildly. "He tried to convince Daniel to elope with him instead. When Daniel told him he was in True Love with Paul, he offered to be the best man."

I feel a headache coming on. "Oh crap, this is...what was that?"

Amber's heard it too. Together, we get up and creep over to the lab door.

Oh shit, Daniel and Paul are right outside my door. Their voices have that strange, breathy cadence I normally associate with afternoon soap operas. Cracking the door open slightly wider so we can see them, Amber and I eavesdrop.

"Oh Paul," Daniel is sighing. "I love you, and I'd love for us to start a family together. But," he turns to look away down the corridor, his back to Paul. "I just don't know if can. My own traumatic, angst-ridden childhood..." Oh heaven help me, he's clutching his breast.

"Oh, but snookums," Paul follows the soapy script by stepping up to plaster himself against Daniel's back, his hands wrapping around Daniel. "I know you. No matter how awful your childhood was, no matter how little experience you have of real, loving family life, no matter how much you lacked positive role models for parental behavior, I believe in you, baby. Our Love will overcome all your orphan issues."

Daniel turns, still encircled by Paul's arms. "Oh baby, you're right!" Amber has her hands clutched over her mouth at this. I know exactly how she feels. "Paul, princess, darling, you're right! Let's complete our relationship with a baby!"

As they start noisily kissing each other, I silently close the lab door. Amber rushes off to the private bathroom in the back of the office. 

"That was beyond hideous," she tells me when she staggers back out.

"Preaching to the choir, hon." I spin in my chair once. "It's just...is one of them gonna get knocked up?"

Amber's eyes go wide with shock at such a hideous thought, before she turns around and bolts back into the bathroom. I can see she's not going to be coming out of there for a while, so I grab my palm pilot and head towards the Infirmary. I have to do something.

* * *

It looks like the Coming Out/Engagement party had moved up to the Infirmary. Holding court in the center of the madness is Anise, waving what looks to be a kitsch saltshaker over Janet Fraiser's abdomen. On a gurney next to her, Sam Carter is lying back. They're holding hands across the small space between the two beds. At the foot of the beds stands a small group, including Daniel and Paul, Jack, Teal'c and Siler, and - ick, she wasn't kidding - George and Jacob. The men are watching fondly, each holding hands with their beloveds, as Anise does her thing.

I snag a bottle of champers out of a convenient ice bucket on my way past, and find myself a good place to observe the madness. After all, it's not every day you see two women impregnated by an alien parasite in another woman's body, one with the spawn of two women, and the other with the genetically nonviable - but somehow done anyway - spawn of two men.

"The procedure has been a complete success," Anise announces. "The embryo containing Major Davis and Dr. Jackson's DNA has been successfully implanted into Dr Fraiser's uterus."

Jacob lifts his head. "And my little Sammy?"

Sam sits up, grinning at her father and the General; almost glowing. "I feel fantastic, dads."

Anise nods. "The embryo containing Major Carter and Doctor Fraiser's DNA has also been successfully implanted."

I spit a mouthful of champagne out onto the back of a member of a passing conga line. Sam and Janet are having a kid too? Sam "I'm so tied to my career, I live in a closet in the science labs" Carter is having a baby?!

Shrugging, I raise the half-empty bottle in silent toast. Well, I hope Cassandra likes being the big sister.

Then a thought occurs to me. Janet and Sam are pregnant at the same time.

I chug the rest of the bottle and head for the door. I'd best tell the Mess Hall to start stocking up on ice cream and pickles.

* * *

"So let me get this straight - Janet is carrying Paul and Daniel's kid, and Sam is carrying hers and Janet's?"

I nod and open another cupboard. I'm sure I have a bottle of scotch around here somewhere. "That's right."

"And you said this Muse Dust would wear off by Friday?"

I nod again and move some beakers around. "That's if it is the Muse Dust that's the sole cause." I pin her a glare. "Which, given the whole 'Married With Children' vibe, I doubt."

She goes over to the cabinet by my computer and pulls out an unopened bottle of vodka. "So," she continues as if I had never spoken, "come Friday, when all this madness wears off, Sam and Janet are still going to be pregnant, and..."

I grab the bottle and pour a triple into a flask. "Shit!" I tip the vodka down my throat and hold out my flask for a refill. "Well, only four days pregnant. I'm sure they can figure something out."

"Then again," Amber continues as she pours me another generous belt, "this is Anise we're talking about. The only woman whose presence in a lab scares me more than yours."

"What do you mean?"

At that moment, there is a knock on my door. Sam Carter stood there, radiant and with a small but noticeable bump under her standard black t-shirt. "Hey Captains, would you mind handing these out?" She thrusts a stack of fliers into my hand. "I've just got to go to the ladies room." Hand protectively over her belly, she scurries off down the corridor.

I look at the flier in my hand. Rainbow colors, with four stick figure people, two of them with very large stomachs. The headline is done in a jaunty, preschooler-style font.

**YOU ARE INVITED TO THE BACHELOR PARTY / HOUSEWARMING OF DANIEL JACKSON AND PAUL DAVIS**

An address and time are scrawled on the bottom. And a border of pink hearts.

I hand over the stack to Amber, knock back my belt, and head for the bathroom.

"Ya know, she really doesn't look just one day pregnant."

* * *

Oh. My. God.

We pull up at the address on the flier. Next to me, Reia is staring over the top of her shades, her jaw dropped in horror.

The house has a rainbow-colored picket fence, and pride flags for curtains in the front windows. The house to the left looks normal enough, but the rest of the houses in the street are decorated in a similar manner. It looks like quite a few of the neighbors are coming to the housewarming as well. Some of them look like Muses after a weeklong Dust bender. I reach over and pat Reia's hand. "Be strong."

She's still staring at the house. "The only strong thing I want right now is liquor."

I climb out of the car. "Come on, let's get this over with." As we walk up the door, I pat my bag to make sure I've got my digital camera. I intend to get so drunk tonight that I won't remember a thing.

The inside of the house is, if possible, even worse that outside. The Village People are pumping out of the stereo as people mingle. All we need is a disco ball and some droopy moustaches and it would be a swinger's party straight out of the seventies.

As one, Reia and I made a beeline for the drinks table. Sgt. Wood is already there, making daiquiris. "No thanks," we tell him as we began gathering up ingredients.

"What are you making?" he asks as he tries not to stare at my cleavage.

Reia grins and takes control of the blender. "Hamster Death Gulps. Want one?"

One sip into his drink, Sgt. Wood is napping on the floor. With a well-placed kick, we roll him under the table and set ourselves up as bartenders. From here, we can watch the horror unfolding without having to relinquish control of the alcohol.

"Amber," Reia asks me as she opens another bottle of vodka. "I thought gay men were supposed to have good taste?"

I look around the hideously decorated room with its "here, queer and fabulous" theme as I pop a jar of olives for the martinis. "So did I, Reia. So did I."

For a while we're kept busy mixing drinks and staying away from the dance floor. The kitten we saw yesterday afternoon in Daniel's office seems to have reappeared, and I amuse myself for a while by trying to teach it to fetch. I fail, of course, but it's cute to try. I decide to name it Satan, although undoubtedly the boys have already named it "Cutie-wutiekins" or "Princess Leia the Second" or "Miss Kitty Fantastico" or something equally horrendous. 

Despite myself, I find I'm actually starting to have fun. The only people checking me out are the women, and none of them are in lab coats or BDUs, but hey, I'm open-minded. Reia doesn't seem to mind the attention at all.

As the last chords of YMCA wind down, we hear a banging on the front door. Jacob, who is standing nearest, talking to a pretty young nurse and ... and her girlfriend, I guess, from the way they're desperately clutching one another's hands, looks over at his hosts before opening the door.

A tall, dark haired man in a football shirt bursts in. He looks around the room. "You people!" he yells suddenly, pointing at the entire room like a preacher naming sinners. "You people are sick."

Given the dcor of the room, at this point I'd have to say he has a strong argument.

"You're all going to Hell! You're evil!" he yells again, waving his arms around madly.

Paul bursts into tears at this, prompting Daniel to scowl at the uninvited guest whilst trying to comfort his weeping lover.

"It's against God's plan!" The man yells again, obviously distressed by the lack of response he's getting from the room. What, is he some kind of masochist wanting to be shouted out and thrown out, or is he just trying to prompt us all to yell abuse back at him so he can take the moral high ground?

Actually, that's probably it.

"It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!" He tries again.

A few more people start to cry, but no one refutes his arguments or tells him to fuck off. I can see that Reia is sorely tempted, but I rather suspect she'd prefer to follow him out and run him through with that sword in the trunk of the car. Betsy or whatever it's called this week.

"Who the Hell do you think you are?!" George demands at last, moving over to comfort Jacob, who is clearly upset by this abuse, and has started to tear up.

"Oh, sorry, didn't I say?" The man says softly, his manner now totally opposed to his earlier behavior. "I'm Bob," he offers George his hand, "from next door. Just popped over to see how things were going."

Maybe it's a multiple personality disorder.

"You're all sinners!" he yells again, having released George's hand.

"Hey, yo," Jack approaches, holding out a bottle of beer as a peace offering. "Chill, calm down. Here, have a beer." Bob takes the bottle and eyes it suspiciously. "I guarantee ya, 100% imported, non-gay beer." Jack tells him. Bob smiles and takes a swig.

"So," he says to Jack, "you live around here too?"

I turn and look despairingly at Reia, who pours me a Death Gulp and holds her glass up in a toast. "Fuck this, Amber, let's just get drunk."

* * *

I wake up with a groan, and immediately wish I hadn't. My head is aching and for a few minutes, I think I've contracted some dread disease and am on the verge of death. Then I remember last night and the Death Gulps I was drinking. All things considered, I'd say I got off pretty lightly.

I feel a movement in the soft, pliant material below me, which I manage to groggily identify as a bed, and hear a familiar groan from somewhere in the vicinity of my feet.

"Ooh, bloody Hell," Amber mutters, bringing a hand up to cover her eyes from the light seeping in through the curtains. "Where am I? What happened? Whose feet are these?"

I wiggle my toes.

"Was it good for you, babe?" I joke.

She groans again. "Re, hun, you know I love you, but could you maybe move your feet away from my face? I already feel kinda nauseous, and the smell really isn't helping ..."

I start to reach for a pillow to hit her with, but the movement causes pain, so I give up halfway through, and settle for a string of curses against her lineage, personal hygiene and sexual morality. 

I reach the end of my tirade and look down to the foot of the bed. Amber, her eyes narrowed to keep the light out, is grinning up at me. I think we've known each other too long.

There's a knock on the door, and we both shrink back into the softness of the bed, making "ugh" noises at the resultant pounding in our heads. "Cooee, only me! Morning, Captains, how are you feeling? Isn't it a beautiful day!" Paul practically skips into the room, chattering away about nothing, and flings the curtains open. We groan. Daylight bad.

"Come on, up up up!" Paul claps his hands, and smiles at us. "We've got a Wedding to get to!"

He waits just long enough to be assured that we're both conscious, before bouncing back out into the hall, humming some show tune that I'm proud to say I don't recognize. I look down at Amber.

"The wedding. Oh God, I'd almost forgotten."

She looks up at me. "D'you want to go and spew first, or should I?"

* * *

As I glance around the Gateroom, I'm suddenly relieved that I got so stinking drunk last night that I'm forced to hide my bloodshot eyes behind my RayBan sunglasses today. They help to tone down the color scheme. A bit.

The room is decorated in swathes of various shades of pink silk and satin. They hang from the Gate, turning it into some kind of giant, donut-shaped centerpiece, as well as from the walls themselves and the window to the Control Room. There are baskets of beautifully arranged flowers, white and pink, which under normal circumstances would look good, but, when multiplied three dozen times and placed in clumps around the room, look tacky and overdone.

Teal'c and Siler are standing to our left, talking to Anise.

"I had no idea homosexuality was so prevalent on Earth," Anise says to Siler, as she glances around at the assembled guests. "Perhaps I ought to try it. In the interests of the Earth-Tok'ra Alliance."

"Oh, it's really not that common, ma'am," Siler tells her, gripping Teal'c hand possessively. "But Teal'c and me, well, he's just such a romantic. All that Shakespeare." He sighs. "I had no idea he had such hidden depths."

Teal'c looks fondly at his partner of two days. "I had not previously considered Sgt. Siler as a potential mate, but," he pauses, looking up at the pinkified Gate, "he just makes me feel so safe."

I feel Reia shudder next to me.

"Don't worry," I tell her. "It'll all be over soon. We can click our ruby slippers together and be back in Kansas by sunset."

"Kansas?" she looks up hopefully. "Clark and Lex's Kansas?"

I shake my head. "Haven't you learnt anything from this mess?"

"No," she tells me, unrepentantly. "I must've missed the bit when Barney read out the Moral of Today's Story."

I glare at her. "Do not invoke the name of the Purple One in my presence. I will not be held accountable for my actions."

She's about to reply when we hear a squeal from outside. "Ooooh! So this is where you've been hiding!"

I look at Reia, who raises her eyebrows in surprise, and we slip out into the corridor to investigate.

Daniel, Paul, George, Jacob, the heavily pregnant Sam, and even more heavily pregnant Janet are standing just outside the Gateroom, all done up in their wedding clothes, talking to a tall, smart-looking woman with long blonde hair. Beside her stands a dark-haired teenaged girl in a long, black dress, her eyelashes weighed down with thick mascara.

Paul moves forward to hug the blonde, while the dark-haired girl simply nods lightly to acknowledge his presence.

"Major," General Hammond breaks in. "Perhaps an introduction would be appropriate at this point?"

"Oh, God, yeah, of course!" Paul's grinning like he's on something. He is - True Love. Ugh, how revolting. "I'm just so all over the place today, what with the Wedding and everything." He looks back at Daniel, and they share a long, passionate look, radiating their desire to simply run off to a supply closet and spend some quality time together. "Baby," this is to Daniel, "everyone, this is my big sister, Laura," he indicates the blonde woman, "and my little sister, Mindy."

I look at Reia. She mouths, 'Laura and Mindy?' I shrug. Everyone says their hellos.

Daniel steps forward, and offers his hand to Laura. "Uhh, hi," he says, nervously, his other hand reaching up to push his glasses back up the bridge of his nose," I'm Daniel. Umm ... the guy who's marrying your brother."

Laura squeals again, and pulls him into a tight hug. "Oh! You're just so cute! I love you already!" She pulls away, looking suddenly serious. "But, you know, in a sisterly way, not in a Julia-Charles-Sebastian way." She smiles again, pulling him back into the hug. "I was just so pleased to hear that my little baby brother had found someone as wonderful as you to love him for ever and ever! After I got over the shock, that is. I never really wanted a sister-in-law anyway!"

They pull out of the hug and smile at each other, before Daniel turns to Mindy. "Mindy," he says, offering her his hand. She regards it with disdain. "I'd really like for us to be friends," he tells her.

Mindy looks up and nods. "Yeah, whatever," she says, lifelessly. "I'm just here to get a couple of days off school."

"You know," Daniel tells her, in a somewhat patronizing tone, "I used to go to school."

She looks up, suddenly seeming to come alive. "You did? Wow! Maybe we do have something in common then. Let's be best friends!"

Amazingly, there's not a trace of sarcasm in her voice. She really means it.

I signal to Reia, and we move into another corridor where we can talk.

"It seems like the Muse Dust is spreading," I tell her snarkily.

She sighs, and takes on that 'here comes the science' look. "Am, I keep telling you, it's not the Muse Dust. The Muse Dust may - I repeat, may - have started this whole thing off, but it's certainly not responsible for this whole," she waves her arms around in a frustrated attempt to describe the situation we've found ourselves in, "this wedding."

I sigh. "So what is causing it? It's not normal behavior, that's for God damn sure."

She's about to speak when we hear George's voice from the corridor. "Let's get this show on the road, shall we, folks?"

Everyone mutters their assent, and Reia and I dash back to the Gateroom to get a good view.

George moves up to the top of the ramp, at the foot of the Gate, and nods to Sgt. Davis, sat at his usual station in the control room, to start the tape. The Wedding March blares out of the speakers, and some of the more emotional guests begin to tear up. Mostly the marines.

Cassandra and Mindy appear first, wearing matching pink bridesmaid ... wait, 'attendant' dresses. I don't know how Mindy managed to change so quickly, but that really seems like the least of our worries at the moment. They carry between them a wicket basket full of red, pink and white rose petals, which they're strewing about the floor of the Gateroom. They reach the top of the ramp, and peel off to one side, sighing and putting the basket down when they get there, before leaning back on the ramp and surveying the site before them.

Next come a heavily pregnant Sam and an even more heavily pregnant Janet, also both wearing pink 'attendant' dresses, albeit in maternity sizes, holding hands and walking through the crowd that lines the corridor, and into the Gateroom itself. They at the bottom of the ramp when Jack comes running in, slightly out of breath, followed by Bob, Daniel and Paul's neighbor. "Sorry, sorry!" Jack whispers loudly. "We were just, uhh, watching sports."

Everyone accepts this without question, and Sam and Janet turn back to continue their progress towards the General. They reach the top of the ramp, and head off to the opposite side from the girls, before themselves leaning back against the barrier to try and take some of the weight off their aching feet.

Then the boys enter the room. A steady hum of admiration mixed with weeping creeps up the corridor as they approach, spilling into the Gateroom as they arrive, hand in hand, both in perfectly cut black tuxedos.

Reia leans over. "See, we done good, babe. They look hot together," she whispers to me.

I can't deny it, they do look really good together. Right up until the moment that Paul looks over at Daniel and tears up, causing Daniel to lean over and brush his tear away. The few people in the Gateroom who were not already crying start to weep loudly at this nauseating display of soppiness.

I just cringe. Reia shrugs. "Well, they still look hot."

They make their way up to the top of the ramp, and General Hammond starts the ceremony. I lean over to whisper to Reia. "I didn't know Air Force Generals were allowed to conduct weddings?"

"Hun," she tells me, pointedly, "look at who's getting married. If the legality of the thing is going to be questioned, I doubt they'll get as far down the list as 'it wasn't conducted by a properly appointed minister'. In fact, they won't have to go any further than 'these two guys...'."

We get past the introductory stage of what a great honor it is for all of us to witness the perfect union of these two people, and how lucky General Hammond feels to be able to be the one joining them in the bonds of matrimonious True Love. We reach my favorite part of the ceremony.

"Does any person here present know of any reason why this man and this ... umm ... other man may not be joined in matrimony?" General Hammond asks.

I feel a sudden urge to leap up and yell, "do you want the list in chronological order, or alphabetical?"

There's no sound but the weeping of the congregation, and George is just about to carry on with the service when a shout is heard from somewhere down the corridor. "Stop the wedding!"

There's a murmur of shocked discontent, as the owner of the voice strides purposefully into the room. "Stop this wedding right now!"

Everyone turns around to look, and Paul gasps in shock. "Damn it!" he mutters. "I knew there was something I forgot to do!"

Daniel continues to stare in shock at their uninvited guest. "General Vidrine?"

"That's right," the General steps forward. "I'm here officially representing the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and I demand that this ... this farce be stopped immediately!"

"But," Daniel turns to face Paul, "but you quit the Air Force, right?"

Paul looks down at his shoes. "Well, I've been kinda busy these last ... two days, and I may possibly have forgotten to fax through my resignation. I was sorta hoping that, you know, after me being AWOL for two days, they'd figure it out for themselves."

"Oh, baby," Daniel pulls him into a hug. "It's okay, our Love will overcome all obstacles, remember?"

"Not this one," Vidrine says, waving an envelope in his hand. "Son," he addresses Paul, "you've got a one-way ticket to Leavenworth. And you," he turns to Daniel, "well, your contribution to this program will no longer be required, now that we have Mr. Quinn. Where is he, anyway?"

No one speaks.

Daniel and Paul turn and fall into each other's arms, wailing and sobbing.

"General Vidrine," Hammond starts off strongly, before remembering that the man outranks him. "Sir," he continues, more calmly, "you can't do this!"

"On the contrary, General, I can do this. I am doing this. Not only do we have the very fact of this, this wedding, we have enough evidence gathered from the security cameras around base to convict Major Davis a hundred times over."

Daniel nods proudly. 'A hundred times, huh? Go me! What a stud!'

"As well," the General continues, "as almost the entire staff of Cheyenne Mountain."

There's a mutter of disquiet that passes through the room. The General looks around at the assembled mass.

"In case you people have forgotten, this," he waves at the couple clinging together at the top of the gate ramp, "is illegal in the United States Air Force."

"But General," Paul steps forward, out of Daniel's embrace but never letting go of his hand. "You can't stop True Love."

Daniel moves to Paul's side, and stands firm beside his almost-husband.

General Vidrine looks up at them. "True love?" he asks, slowly, trying the words out for size. "True love?"

Daniel puts his arm around Paul's shoulder, while Paul slips his own arm around Daniel's waist. "Yes, General," Daniel tells him. "True Love."

The General blinks a few times before reaching into his pocket for a hanky. "Well, I'll be god-damned," he says, wiping his eyes.

"It's a stupid rule anyway, Sir," Paul tells him firmly.

"Son," the General says, looking up proudly at the two men on the gate ramp, "I think you might just be right. All these years, those rules about fraternization and proper officerly conduct have stood, and I believed that they were right. But now, today, I can see the truth. True Love between two hot guys. Why the Hell should regulations stand in the way?"

He steps forward, and shakes first Paul's, then Daniel's hands.

"As soon as the ceremony is done, I'll contact the Pentagon and have them change that stupid regulation," he tells them, a glint of happiness in his eyes. "Consider it my Wedding present."

The three of them smile at each other, as the audience breaks into spontaneous applause. "Well," General Vidrine says, loudly, "Don't we have a wedding to be getting on with?"

There's a ripple of laughter, and the boys turn back up the ramp to face General Hammond.

* * *

We're back at the rainbow house again. Amber is sprawled out on the floor in front of me, methodically working her way through most of the house red, white and whatever else she can lay her hands on.

The reception is in full swing. Vidrine is being toasted by most of the now openly-gay members of SGC. A thought occurs to me and I give Amber a nudge with my foot.

"What?"

"Does this make the SGC the first pink command in the military?"

She grumbles something like 'fucked if I know,' then turns back to drinking and people watching. "Have we got any more Merlot?" she asks after a couple of minutes.

"I'll go see." Weaving through the crowds, I head to the bar. Given the state of everyone's heads this morning, Amber and I have been banned from playing bartender again tonight. Pity - I could really go for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

"Merlot," I tell the scrawny kid behind the bar.

"A glass?"

"A case!" I snap back. He whimpers and offers up two bottles in sacrifice to the rampaging redhead currently towering over him in her wrath. I shrug and snatch them up. Two will have to do.

"Got a light," a young voice asks me. Turning around, I see Mindy, back in black, scowling at me like a good teenage goth. Aww, memories.

"Sure." I toss her my zippo. "Can I filtch one?"

She lights up her cig and hands it over to me. So what if I quit? I think, after the last few days, I deserve some good carcinogenic gases.

"Mindy, what are you doing?" I scowl and blow smoke rings into Anise's plastic face. I swear, this woman looks like she walked straight out of a Mattel factory. Then again, Mattel usually make things with more personality.

Anise blinks against my smoky onslaught. I smile winningly.

But my smile drops away as Mindy slinks over to Tokra Barbie and wraps herself bodily around Miss Plastic.

"Just having a smoke, Anisey-baby," she purrs as she begins to lead a willing Anise away. "Tell me, honey, do you have post-coital cigarettes where you come from?" Feeling more than slightly ill, I pull the cork out of the bottle with my teeth. I'm going to need more than two bottles to forget that.

I lean back against the bar, bottle in one hand, cigarette in the other, and survey the room. Everyone's talking quietly, arms around their various partners, about how beautiful the service was and how lovely the Happy Couple looked, and how sweet it was when General Hammond started to cry in the middle of the vows.

I can't decide what was my favorite part - when Paul tossed the bouquet of flowers out through the miraculously opened Control Room window into the crowd of personnel waiting below in the Gateroom, or when the newlyweds decided to do a quick tour of the base in their customized golf cart, complete with pink and silver balloons, pink flowers, and copious amounts of ribbon, to wave to all the base personnel who hadn't managed to fit in to the Gateroom to see the ceremony for themselves. Like the goddamned Queen of England or something.

They're over in a group with O'Neill, Carter, Janet, Teal'c, Siler and General Hammond, arms wrapped around each other, without even a millimeter between them, talking about something. I'm too far away to tell, thank God. Probably what they're going to name the baby and what prep school it's on the waiting list for or what they're planning to do for their honeymoon. Although, judging from the size of Janet, I doubt they're going to get much time to themselves before Junior is born.

General Vidrine is with them too. I have to admit, I didn't think he'd have the figure for it, and I certainly didn't think he'd be the type for it, especially not in public, but this week has proved nothing if not that you can very easily be oh so wrong about people. He moves slightly and I can make out the delicate floral pattern on his skirt. Its no use, I can't pretend it's a kilt any more. And those stilettos do nothing for him. He'd look better in something with a cuban heel.

I hear a familiar whine and see Amber approaching, probably in search of that Merlot I promised her.

"Hey," she says, batting her eyes at the bar-kid until he hands over a bottle of vodka, which she then pours into a glass. "How's it going?"

I shrug, and am just about to answer when the whine of microphone feedback silences the room, and draws everyone's attention to the stage.

"Umm ... hello ... can you hear me? Testing." Daniel taps the top of the microphone, causing a loud bang to echo across the room through the Karaoke machine, which, for some reason, has been moved to the house. Presumably so that we can all enjoy Janet's rendition of "Piece of my Heart" again.

"Hi." Daniel gives a little wave. He's standing on a little makeshift stage that's been constructed in one corner of the living room. "I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for being here, on this special day, and thank you all for the presents, and for being so good about this whole thing, and, ya know, for, just," he starts to tear up, and has to take a minute to get a handkerchief and wipe his eyes. "For being so supportive over the years." More weeping. "But most of all," he wipes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and tries to gather himself. "Most of all, I want to thank my baby for loving me enough to give up his entire life and move across the country so we can be together for the rest of our lives." He turns to Paul, with a full dose of goo-goo eyes, which is lovingly returned. "There's so much I want to say, I just can't find the right words," he tells us. I'm starting to get a bad feeling about this. I feel Amber tensing up next to me - I guess she's got a bad feeling too. "So I thought I'd borrow someone else's."

He nods to Sgt. Davis, who presses a button on the karaoke machine. Oh. My. God.

He's not going to ... I mean, surely, he wouldn't. Would he?

But then again, if you'd asked me a week ago if I ever thought Daniel would get married in the Gateroom, I'd've laughed in your face. Never say never.

The familiar synthetic plinking notes of a keyboard signals the start of the song, and I hear Amber groaning next to me. Daniel takes the microphone from the stand, shuts his eyes, and starts to sing.

"Never knew I could feel like this, like I've never seen the sky before ..."

"Oh God," Amber mutters. "I'll never be able to watch Moulin Rouge again."

"Not even for Ewan?" I ask her. She thinks about it for a minute.

"Well, maybe for Ewan."

We look on in horror.

"...I will love you until my dying day!" Daniel's holds out his hand, and suddenly Paul is up on the stage too. Sgt. Davis hands him a microphone of his own, and he starts singing Nicole's lines.

"Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place, suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace ..."

I shudder.

"Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste," the gaze at each other adoringly, "it all revolves around you."

I take another chug from my bottle of Merlot, as Amber starts swigging straight from the Vodka bottle. This is just too much. Once again, everyone in the room is misting up, arms around their honeys as they sway to the music. A few people have got lighters out and are waving them around like they're at a U2 concert.

"And there's no mountain too high, no river too wide - sing out this song and I'll be there by your side."

It's torture. That's the only explanation. Am and I must've died and been sent to Hell to be punished for our wicked ways. I repent!

"Come what may, come what may..." They're really going for it. I turn to look over at Jack, Sam, Janet and George. George and Jacob are holding hands. Ugh. Sam and Janet are both weeping hysterically onto each other's shoulders, petting each other's hair. Even Jack has tear-tracks running down his cheeks.

"Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place." They kiss at this point, causing everyone in the room, save Amber and myself, to renew their weeping and aawing.

The reach the end of the song, gazing adoringly at each other, and kiss again, before leaving the stage, hand in hand

I turn to Amber, and we exchanged looks of numb shock and disbelief. I open my mouth to comment, but am interrupted by yet more microphone static. Oh God, not again!

Sgt. Siler and Teal'c help the heavily pregnant Sam up onto the stage, then Janet. Sam takes a microphone, smiles at Sgt. Davis, and turns to her audience. "Hey," she smiles at everyone, looking far too happy for someone so pregnant. "Well, we can't let the boys have all the fun," she says, causing a titter of laughter through the crowd. "As you all know," she pats her tummy, "Janet and I are very much in Love too, and we're going to be Mommies soon, but I just wanted everyone to know how much I love my special little pookiebear. So," she wipes her eyes, overcome with emotion, "this is our song."

She and Janet join hands, staring into each other's eyes as they forget that they even have an audience. The music starts up again.

"They say we're young and we don't know, won't find out until we're grown ..."

Oh God. Someone shoot me now.

* * *

For the second time in as many days, I wake up too close for comfort to Reia's feet. That woman spends way too much time in combat boots. I move, wince, groan and stop again. There is sunlight streaming through the too-thin rainbow curtains, and the sound of a too-loud vacuum cleaner being pushed around the house somewhere.

Shit, we're still at Paul and Daniel's.

A string of obscenities is growled out from the pillows, and a moment later a bleary redhead makes her first appearance of the morning. "Tell that fucker to shut the fuck up or I'll fucking kill him fucking slowly," she orders me, before vanishing back under the covers.

No fucking way. Misery loves company, after all. I roll out of bed, taking the blanket with me. The scream she issues as the light hits her eyes seems strangely suited to the horror movie this place has become.

The distant vacuum cleaner is shut off, and a moment later, Paul's head appears around the door. "Ah, look who's awake. Come on, I've made pancakes." He doesn't wait for a reply, but disappears again.

I look over to see Reia peering out from under a pillow. "Amber? Was Paul wearing pearls?"

Ten minutes later, we make it out to the kitchen. The house is spotless, almost as if a horde of drunken, horny, as-of-recently homosexual marines hadn't been partying till dawn here for the last two days. I follow Reia as she follows her nose to the coffee pot.

Once suitably caffeinated to start the day, we go looking for Paul in Pearls. We find him on the back porch, serving tea to Janet and Sam.

Who are EN-NOR-MOUS!

Reia collapses on the sunbed next to Sam. She takes one look at Sam's ready-to-pop belly then buries her nose in her coffee cup again. Wisely, she refrains from commenting. "Where is everyone?"

Paul offers me a muffin. I take the opportunity to check out the discreet chain of pearls around his neck, the peter-pan collar, the flowery apron. As he turns to offer Reia food, I see he's even squeezed his feet into a pair of sensible pumps.

Vacuuming in heels. Mrs Walton, eat your heart out.

"Well, my darling Danny has gone to work," Paul begins. "So I'm keeping Sam and Janet company."

Sam digs into a pocket of her maternity overalls and hands me a scrap of paper. "And the Colonel's gone to Vegas."

Reia looks up at me and raises an eyebrow. The man went to Vegas and didn't invite us? I read the short note, then hand it to Reia. Perhaps it's for the best.

"Dear everyone.

Eloped to Vegas with Bob from next door. Back Friday  
J.O'N"

Reia has that glazed look people get after one disruption too many. "That's nice," she murmurs. "May I please have another muffin, Paul?"

* * *

"And they always leave the god damned toilet seat up!" Janet stuffs another muffin into her mouth as she nods her agreement to her girlfriend's latest accusation.

"Oh yeah, I hate that! And they have no idea about clothes - I mean, when I ask him whether these shoes look good, I want to know if they look good! It's not a difficult question, right? But what does he do? Whinge about having to shop for shoes! Like I've never had to do anything for him that I didn't want to do." They share a look of understanding.

"And," Sam pats her bump, "they'll never understand this."

Janet nods, "Ya know, I once had an argument with a guy I knew - he said that circumcision was just as painful as childbirth!"

Sam coughs up a few crumbs of muffin. "You're shitting me!" she exclaims.

"Nope, he was totally serious. 'Oh, it's _so_ painful - you women have no idea how lucky you are, just going through childbirth.' I tried to put him straight, but," she snorts. "You know what men are like. Wouldn't listen to a damn word I said. Refused to accept the logic of my argument. Prick."

Sam reaches over and squeezes Janet's hand. "I'm so glad we found each other, honeybun. Now we never have to go near a man again. We have each other." Janet smiles over at her.

Sam looks down at her foot and tries to rotate it. "Damn, my ankles hurt. You know I love you, sweetie, and that our Loving partnership could never be complete without a baby of our own, but I'm never, ever doing this again."

"Oh, hun, I couldn't agree with you more. I love Daniel and Paul, but if they want another child, they can carry it themselves."

They lean back on the couch, and Janet flicks the television channel from "The Bold and the Beautiful" to "Days of our Lives".

"Fucking men."

"Oh yeah."

"Pass me another muffin, darl."

"Here you go, sweetie."

I reach for another muffin myself, and turn my attention back to the soap, where doctor someone is telling some patient that her husband only has two days to live. Oh, the drama!

We watch the show for a while, each occasionally throwing in a comment. Amber is just reaching for a muffin when Janet let's out a loud "oh!"

Amber immediately drops the muffin and looks around guiltily.

"Oh!" Janet says again, her hand flying to her stomach. "I think I just had a contraction!"

"You think?" I ask her, with disbelief. "You're a medical doctor, surely you'd be able to recognize a contraction when you're having one."

"Well, it's a complicated business, childbirth, and ..."

"Oh!" Sam exclaims. "Oh, me too! Oh, Janet, darling! Our baby is finally coming!"

Amber has her deer-in-the-headlights expression on. "The babies are coming?! Now?! Both of them?!"

"What!" Paul appears in the doorway, before crossing the room to where Janet and Sam are sitting on the couch, each clutching their bumps. "You're in labor? Both of you? Now?" His voice has risen to an unbecoming falsetto pitch, and he's clutching his breast nervously. Drama queen. Or just plain old Queen.

"Oooh," Janet confirms. "Yeah, they're coming alright."

"Umm," Amber raises one finger in a 'please call on me, teacher' gesture, "I'm no doctor, but shouldn't you have contractions for a bit longer than five minutes?"

Neither Sam nor Janet respond, as both are heavily involved in giving birth already.

"Hun," I tell her as I roll up my sleeves, "they've carried the babies to term in three days. They can have their contractions in five minutes."

"Ah, yeah. Good point."

Paul looks panicked. "But, but, you can't have the babies here! I just cleaned the carpets!"

"Oooh," Sam moans, "I really don't think we have much choice. My waters just broke."

"Argh!" Janet puts in, "Mine too."

"Oh God!" Paul says, clutching the sides of his head. "Someone call an ambulance! My beautiful carpets!"

I suppose it is, once again, up to me to take charge. I push the coffee table to one side, and help Janet and Sam to lie down on the floor, as Amber darts across the room to call for paramedics.

"Just, umm, concentrate on your breathing, and, you know, try not to push," I tell them, trying to recall what they did on that episode of 'Diagnosis Murder' we saw this morning.

"Just look for the house with the rainbow curtains and the rainbow fence," Amber is telling the paramedics. "Yeah, I know it is. Trust me, there are going to be babies born here, very soon." She pauses. "Well, it's amazing what you can do with medical science these days. Please send an ambulance soon. Preferably with attractive paramedics."

I roll my eyes. She's got a one-track mind.

Sam and Janet are both moaning. "It hurts!" Sam informs us. Gee, really?

"What are we going to do?!" Paul yells, pacing up and down on the other side of the couch from the two pregnant women. "None of us is qualified to deliver babies, never mind two at once! And there's no way the ambulance will be able to get here in time!"

He's right. I can't deliver both babies at once, Amber will probably faint as soon as she sees any blood, and Paul's just useless at the moment.

Just then, the front door flies open. For a minute, I think it's the paramedics arriving, but then I hear the voice. "Hey, guys, what's up?"

"Daniel!" Paul runs over to his husband. "It's Janet and Sam, they've both gone into labor and the paramedics won't get here in time to deliver the babies! What do we do?"

Daniel drops the briefcase he was carrying, rolls up his sleeves, and heads over to where Sam and Janet are lying. I move out of his way, as he kneels down on the floor. "Hmm, how far apart are the contractions now, Janet? Sam?"

"Oow! About a minute," Janet says.

"Jeez, that was quick!" Amber says, peering nervously over from where she's standing, behind the couch with Paul.

"Alright, I need hot water and towels, now," Daniel says, looking down at Janet.

I look up at Paul and Amber, but neither of them moves. Damn, why must I always be the clear-headed one in an emergency?

I head into the kitchen and fetch the requested items. By the time I'm back, Sam and Janet have both been divested of undergarments (I didn't ask - it seemed rude) and are lying side by side on a large white sheet.

Speaking of white sheets, Amber's face has turned into one, as has Paul's. Hehe. Wusses. Its not like there's even a lot of blood. Yet.

I put the water and towels down next to Daniel, who then proceeds to talk Janet and Sam through their simultaneous births.

"Okay now Janet, I want you to push. Sam, wait until I say. Yes, honey, I know it hurts. Just wait. Okay, Janet, that's good. Sam, you can push now. That's it."

There are a few more groans and moans, then, suddenly, the room is filled with the squalling cries of a new baby. And then another.

Amber does indeed faint at the first sight of blood. Paul joins her on the floor a few moments later as the head appears.

"Ooh," Janet moans, as Daniel wraps her baby in a towel and hands it to me to hold. Sam is holding her baby in her arms, sighing and smiling exhaustedly. "Ooh, it still hurts! I need to push again."

Daniel looks concerned, and examines her again. "Hmm, I think you might be having twins, Janet."

"Twins?!" I exclaim. "And you just noticed? Did this not appear in the ante-natal scans?"

"Well," Sam explains, "we didn't really have time for ante-natal scans. And Anise said everything was fine, so..."

I gasp in shock. "And you just believed her?!"

"Ooooh!" Janet interrupts us. "Ouch! Woman in labor, coming through!"

"Come on, honey, you can do it," Sam tells her, reaching over and taking Janet's hand. "Breath, baby, breath!"

"Oh God! I'm never letting a man touch me again!" Janet yells as she pushes for the last time.

"Well, technically, you were both impregnated by a woman ..." I begin, but the moment is quickly overtaken by the arrival of baby number three.

"Ooh," Amber and Paul are both regaining consciousness. "Is it over yet?" he asks.

"Yup." I tell him. "Three babies, no waiting."

"Three?"

"Yeah, you and Daniel have twins."

"Ooooh!" he squeals, "how cute! We can dress them in little matching baby-grows and stuff!"

I roll my eyes and shove his newborn son at him. Daniel is holding the other baby, a little girl, while Sam and Janet are cooing over their own son. He looks down at the baby, immediately adopting the 'proud, doting father' expression, before looking back up and heading over to sit down with Daniel. They compare babies, and talk quietly to each other.

Amber moves shakily across to stand next to me. "Oh yeah, now I remember why I'm on the pill," she mutters.

I grin. "You know that's only effective ninety-nine times out of every hundred," I tell her. "For most people, those aren't bad odds, but for you ..."

She glares at me for a minute, before turning back to peer nervously at the sprogs.

* * *

I feel someone brush up against me, then hear a whisper in my ear.

"Amber?"

Fuck. I was hoping it was the new cute male nurse. He looks fine in a lab coat.

"What do you want, Reia?"

"Pinch me."

Who I am to look a gift horse in the mouth?

"OUCH!! BITCH!! I said pinch, not pull my arm off!" Scowling at me, she rubs her arm briskly. I fold my arms across my chest and grin at her, self-satisfied. "But thanks, that worked."

"What was wrong?"

"I was just thinking how utterly adorable Dan and Paul look with Luke and..." she gags slightly. "Leia." 

I can see she's about to dive back into her 'naming your kids after Star Wars characters - BLECH!' routine again, so I head her off at the pass. "It's not just you, hun. There's just something about a fine man cradling a newborn..." I trail off as everyone within a three-meter radius sighs and looks at the happy couple and the twins.

I shake my head in despair and settle into the hard pew. "Hey Reia?"

"Yeah?"

"I kinda got the impression that atheism was a prerequisite for working at the SGC." I wave at the Gothic Cathedral that seems to have sprung up in the middle of Colorado Springs overnight. Looking around the pews, I realize I'm probably the closest thing to a 'straight' in the room. "And since when has the Catholic Church had anything nice to say about homosexual relationships?" 

Reia rolls her eyes. "Can't fight Twue Wub, hun."

The padre starts the sproglet-dunking part of the evening's entertainment, saving me from having to make the appropriate retching noises in reply to that comment.

A slight squeak and a shaft of light distract me, and I turn around in time to see Mr. and Mr. Jack O'Neill creep into the back row.

I turn around and sigh. Still the straightest thing in the room. How depressing.

Reia nudges me in the ribs. "Don't worry," she whispers. "A few more minutes and then we head off to the post-dunking piss up."

I smile. Damn woman knows me too well.

* * *

I raise my glass so shakily some of the vodka slops over the sides. Obligingly, Amber refills my glass. She's swaying like a leaf in a thunderstorm, but as long as she still has a steady pouring hand, this party will keep on rolling.

"To Luke and Leia Davis-Jackson and Jake George Fraiser-Carter! May their lives be less weird than ours."

A hearty chorus of 'hear-hears' sings out in reply.

"There, now that the formalities are out of the way, let's get drunk!" I make a lunge for the bottle, but Amber holds it out of reach. "Oi! Wench! Gimme!"

She collapses on the couch next to me. "You realize, of course," she tells me with all the formality of someone six sheets to the wind. "That we're gonna need therapy after this."

I laugh and grab a magnum of champers off a passing Marine. He's too busy making out with that new male nurse to care. "Don't worry, hun," I tell her in a mockery of her own accent. "That's why we've got all those offshore bank accounts."

"First thing tomorrow, we go get shrunk."

I toast her bottle with my own. "Yeahsureyoubetcha."

Decision made, we sit and watch the passing scenery for a while. "You know, it's kinda like Noah's Ark."

"Except for the 'one of each, a male and a female' bit."

She concedes the point with another swig. "Pity. All those hard, tasty, BDU and lab coat wearing studs, going to waste."

I observe one particular couple pressed up against the far wall. "Makes for a nice view though."

She laughs and finishes off the bottle. "And people wonder why we hang out in places like this!" 

"Normality is overrated."

"But we're still gonna need the shrink."

* * *

"And that's it, Doc," the blonde says with a simple shrug. "We woke up this morning, and when the room stopped spinning enough for us to get off, we came straight in."

"You've gotta help us, Doc," the redhead continued with a dramatic gesture at the ceiling. "Outside that door, life is crazy." She rolled over, her eyes haunted. "I can feel it starting to creep up on me. I'm even starting..." her voice dropped to a low whisper. "To like the color pink!"

The blonde nodded vehemently. "It's true! Her computer now has a Rainbow Pride theme instead of McGee's Alice as a background." She looked up with huge eyes. "Please, Doc, tell us what you think."

The psychiatrist leant back in his chair, his fingers steepled in front of his shadowy face. Finally, his hands fell down to rest on the top of his desk. "Girls, I have one question for you first."

"Yes," they asked in hopeful stereo.

The psychiatrist leant forward. Amber gasped and Reia twitched. "Dr MacKenzie!"

Mac the Hack smiled at his patients. "Does this mean that Harry Maybourne is free to date?"

Five levels down, Paul looked up from rocking his baby daughter in his arms. "Did you hear something, snookums?"

"Hear what, love?" Daniel didn't lift his gaze from his son's face.

"Sounded like someone screaming, babe."

Daniel shrugged carefully, so as not to disturb his precious bundle. "Doesn't matter sweetheart. Nothing to harm our Twue Lub." 

Smiling a saccharine smile, he leaned over to kiss his partner.


End file.
